Days

I've treated myself to a morning of doing very, very little. I work pretty hard when I'm "at work", especially if you factor in the hours I have to keep to catch the bus to work. So as I've got two days off today and tomorrow, I thought I'd chill for a while.

There's things that I need to get done - I could do with a few bits of shopping, I need to count up my change again and pay it into an account, I need to produce another two articles for publication before Sunday, I have housework that's waiting for me, the usual kind of thing.

I'm sat here with hair wet from the shower so I'm not going out for a while. Yes, it's quite a nice day for mid-March but it's a little chilly to be going out while wet of head.

So an early lunch, I think, while my hair dries and maybe put some washing on. A stroll to the bank and Tesco this afternoon and then start on the tidying up at whatever pace suits me. Sounds like a plan!

There was cake!

So since I was last here I'm a year older. I'm officially now in my mid-forties.

I had a lovely birthday, and the day after. It's also far too late at night for me to go into much detail about it now as I'm back to work in morning and have to be out of bed in less than 5 hours.

Laters...

Pretty Sky

...over the Business Park early in the morning.

Scary

I have a day off today. Yay! After this my next day off will be my 44th birthday.

I'm actually a little scared and it has nothing to do with the Eurosong Special I watched last night on RTE1. Can I write 8 articles of about 400 words each in 4 weeks? Do I have the invention to come up the articles and the organisational powers to meet the deadlines?

I think I probably do, yes.

My bad

I haven't posted here for a few days and feel bad about it. It's one of the things about blogging - it kind of gets a hold of you!

I have an excuse tonight, though. I made burritos for myself for dinner and may have gone a little overboard with the salsa. Consequently, I've been tipping cold drinks down my neck with abandon. And when I haven't been doing that I've been running to the bathroom to drain said fluids away.

Sigh. Some days are like that.

Words

So after two nights out in a row, I have no plans to leave the house now, before the morning when I go to work.

It's a little strange but I'm kind of lonely. I'm usually pretty content sat here with some music on, playing on Facebook when I'm not houseworking but tonight I've put a movie on for company.

It's probably being around people so much. It's a habit I could get into.

Of course, the above was written about four hours ago. I didn't go out and had two movies on, which is why it's taken me so long to write this.

In other news, there's a possibility I may be doing some freelance writing work, which would be very cool. And possibly a stepping stone to other writing work, who knows? That would be a dream...

And did you miss me, while you were looking for yourself out there?

Tempus

I can hear the rain rattling on the roof like a skeleton dancing a demented jig. I'm guessing that the wind is blowing "the other way", as I can't hear it against the window.

I can also hear raucous voices some way off, what sounds like next door running up and down their landing, and the clock ticking away to itself downstairs. I'd speed that one up, if I could.

I gave my word not to try to mess with passage of time and I'll stand by that. Sixty seconds will always go together to make up a minute, however long they take to roll by.  I'll relish the minutes and hours that pass by faster than a shadow, treasuring every breath that fills them. And I'll silently count away the morose, shuffling hours and days, watching with infinite patience the spectacle of the second hand dragging itself around and around.

I have seen the future and it is a wonderful place. Sometimes it seems so close. Other times, less so.

The Heart Of The Blog

*hack. cough. splutter*

Yeah, yeah. Just let me have a swig of the wine to wash that away.

I was looking back in the archives tonight. My first ever blog post was Halloween 2004. I never imagined what i might have started. I don't have a world-shattering blog and it's never going to be a source of financial income but I would be lost without it. First Solid Gone and now Twirling have given me somewhere where I could be more myself than anywhere else. My rules, my choice of topic.

A blog can be a lot of things, depending on the author. In it's most basic form it's just what it says on the tin - a web log, an online diary. The amount of anonymity you create around it is entirely up to you. I always found (and find!) it a delicate balancing act between making sure that people read it, if you want them to, and ensuring that those you don't want to don't read it.

Despite this, it can be a huge release, just having somewhere to pour things out, especially without directly burdening those that one loves. I can't imagine not having a blog, even if I'm not posting regularly at any given point. I remember blogging when I was at my lowest ebb, when it felt like it was my only escape. These days I tend to be so loved up that I almost feel obliged to provide free sick-buckets for my patient readers! The point is that I can say what I want, when I want.

I have a team night out to "look forward" to on Saturday. I rather doubt that I'll stay long but I'll pop along to be sociable. Who knows, I might even have a good time.

I have another early start in the morning. I might hope to sleep a little better than I did last night, when, for whatever reason, I couldn't get the brain to power down. Which is kind of ironic.

My arm is bothering me again. I noticed yesterday morning that I'd done something to it again. I have a heat-wrap that a lovely lady gave me, that I'll fit tomorrow once I get to work. If I try and do it before I go I'll only make a hash of it through rushing. 

And I just spotted a pack of biscuits...

Deep In The Night

...or at least early in the morning!

Just popped in to note that it's all in the choice of music. I had a shocking night and slept for maybe two and a half hours, tops. However, the right music on the iPod on the way in has given me a huge boost into the day.

Now, let's see how long it lasts...

Knot work

After the relative comfort and civility of not starting work until 9, I have to be at 7 in the morning again for the next three days for training. This means back getting up at an ungodly hour of the morning. To coin a phrase - Gah!

Today went reasonably well, considering my cold. I'll be honest and say that I felt very peculiar on occasions and the fact that our "floor" is a little uncomfortably warm at the best of times didn't really help. I'm not giving in to a fecking cold, though, so it can do its worst! I spent most of today more concerned with how someone else was getting on than with how my day was going, so that might have taken my mind off it.

I actually feel better at the moment than I have for most of the day. That's probably something to do with the fact that the most strenuous thing I've done in the last few hours has been to polish off the last of a tub of ice-cream. As much as I'd like to sit here listening to music and reading for a few hours, I guess I should try and get some sleep. I really need to win the lottery, you know. That reminds me - I was having a tidy up of some surface dross earlier and found two lottery tickets from a couple of months ago. They'll still be valid so I must remember to check them tomorrow. Yes, a few million quid would be nice but i think about €75,000 would do very nicely. It'd get two ships back on a very even keel and act as a stable springboard for the future.

Oh, how I love to mix metaphors! The English language is like a length of good rope - you can tie it up in some fantastic knots.

Poorly

I've had two days off sick and then a day off that was scheduled.

I don't mind telling you that I felt rotten for a couple of days with some kind of sickness bug and now appear to have a stinking cold. A cold is not reason enough to stay off, though, so it's back to work tomorrow. On a new shift, as well. Up until now my working days have been 7 - 3.45. We'll now rotate between that and 9 - 5.45 which at least means I don't have to get up at an obscene hour of the morning. I have decongestants and tissues - I'll be grand.

A certain lovely lady took very good care of me, including making sure I had DVDs to keep me amused. I gotta say, I thoroughly enjoyed Kung-Fu Panda but I wasn't that impressed with The Dark Knight. Maybe my tastes are changing as I get older. A lot of things change as the years go by but I've found something that will last forever.

I discovered something at work last week, or maybe the week before. I have loads of holiday to take before September. Some of it I hope to be able to spend with the aforementioned lovely lady. She's not going to be able spend every minute of my holidays with me though, which begs the question what to do with the rest of it. Living in a city with an airport, day-trips out of the country aren't impossible. Public transport means that day-trips within the country are possible. I wouldn't have a problem with doing either of these things by myself but for one thing. I still need to "settle my financial affairs" back in the UK. If I choose to spend weeks that I have as holiday just lounging around and enjoying not having to get up early, that will mean that I'm not spending money. If Polly is busy elsewhere then I have no-one to please but myself and the prospect of getting completely out of debt is very appealing.

And for tonight that is all. I have a bed that's far too big for one and a gap in my arms and heart tonight. Music and a book for an hour or so, I think. Or Facebook...

Subdued

It’s been a funny kind of day.

I was far too late to sleep last night and was in a complete daze when I got up. By the time I woke up enough to realise that I’d got to work, I was also awake enough to realise that I wasn’t in the happiest of moods. There was nothing specific I could pinpoint, I just wasn’t right. “Subdued” was the word I used at the time. I still don’t have a better word for it. It felt like the recollection of an upset which leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.

It’d faded by lunch-time and I was able to find a semblance of my usual self. As the evening has worn on, that same slightly bitter taste has been creeping around again. Like a sulky dog, it’s prowling around almost out of my eye-line but I know it’s there. I can probably sleep it off.

Although plans have changed today and are still in a state of fluidity, I have high hopes for an enjoyable weekend. Which, let’s face it, isn’t far away now.

Taste

I had a meal in Burger King tonight, in the company of a lovely lady. Class, eh? Don’t knock it. Once the word “cheeseburger” cropped up in conversation, it was always going to happen.

I must take issue with them on their desserts, though. Does anyone else think it’s just plain wrong to put Toffee Sauce on Strawberry Cheesecake ice-cream? On a Vanilla, with crumbled digestives – yes, but on a Strawberry Cheesecake? Oh, please!

I had a very peaceful afternoon after work, followed by a lovely evening. The expression “blissed out” springs immediately to mind.

I’d also like a new phone. Specifically, I’d like one of these, as this isn’t out over here yet. I am tied to my current phone for another 5 months though.

For now, sweet dreams.

St Valentine's

Words and Pictures

Blah!

I started a post here and then read it. Blah! Okay, so it’s not the most erudite self-criticism in the world but at least I’m prepared to hold my hands up to it when I’ve written something that’s crap.

Tomorrow is my Friday, if you get my drift. The last day of my working week. So Saturday = Friday. Good, I’m glad you’re coming with me on that. Working at the weekend has always had a different kind of “vibe” about it, no matter what job I’ve been doing. Remind me to talk about jobs one day.

So yes, vibes. Working weekends is a little like working night shifts. Everything seems subtly less formal, less pressurised. Of course, it isn’t at all. Any job will have similar demands whatever the day of the week, so maybe it’s just a state of mind. “It’s Saturday, so I really shouldn’t be working.” Something along those lines. I don’t know. I don’t even know where I’m going with this, so if you came with me I’m sorry.

I guess I’m getting tired. My eyes are feeling as dry as a desert wind. I’d like to see a desert one day. To watch the sun rising and colouring the world around me with kaleidoscope colours as it drags it’s sleepy way into the sky. There’s lots of beautiful places out there and I thank any God you like for the miracle of pictures so that I at least know that they’re there. Unless something extremely remarkable happens I’m going to see very few of them now. That’s not whining or feeling sorry for myself, it’s a calm acknowledgement of that which is. I’ve left a quiet yet indelible mark on a little corner of the world but I’m never going to look at my footprint in the Antarctic snow or watch the full moon rise from atop a Hawaiian volcano. It saddens me a little to know that, but the sadness is tempered by knowing that such things exist and that others have the pleasure of them. Some of these others are moved to words or to try to capture the images they see, and I thank them for that.

Don’t Stop Believing

I must stop listening to so much online radio. It uses up my monthly bandwidth allowance at rather too quick a rate. Oh my God! I knew I wanted to type the word “rate” then but do you think that I could remember the spelling? I was sat here with my fingers poised above the keyboard thinking “r-e-i-…no that’s wrong. w-r-a…no, no.” I know that I’m not a young man anymore but I had hopes that what little there is left of the brain might last a bit longer.

So let’s see if I can’t grind out one more blog post before the dementia takes hold completely. I’m in a strange frame tonight. I haven’t been able to settle to any of the things I’d usual do to fill the hours. I can’t get comfortable to sit anywhere, books are either too heavy to hold comfortably or the edges of the pages are too sharp, with one or two burning exceptions the songs on the radio haven’t been anywhere near where I’ve felt and I’m a little wary of having too many programmes open on the laptop at once. I started off with the iPod in it’s dock but kept having to get up to skip track, which was winding me up even more. iTunes it then, and hang the consequences. Let’s see if the laptop will outlast my mind.

I was thinking earlier on that I’d kind of like to see a movie but if it annoyed me I’d just get up and walk out tonight, which would be a waste of money. I went for a short walk just after dark. Late twilight almost, just with a faint lightness in the sky before night’s gown fell completely. It seemed that the world was full of people, birds and animals scurrying around, trying to bring their days to a close before the darkness grew too heavy. The water of The Lough looked cold and thick, viscous, syrupy. I think I’m ready for Spring to be here. It’s been a cold winter and I’d like to see some flowers and feel the lightness of the morning sunshine on my face.

It’s not coming soon, though. According to the BBC we’re back to degrees below zero here in Cork for the next few nights, which will at least ensure that I’m fully awake by the time I get to work.

As usual, in the couple of hours it’s taken me to put this together while I’ve been drifting around the house, I’ve managed to take the edge off my mood with some music. Properly applied, there’s very little in this world like music. Across any century or genre, nothing moves the heart and stirs the soul like music. It’s one of the things I never want to have to live without. So I’ve gone back and changed the title of this post. I’ll never stop believing.

King Meringue

I am determined not to lapse into negativity about the new Facebook layout. It may not be working perfectly at the moment but I'm sure that there is a team working on it right now. At least, there'd better be...

I've had a lovely day today, having spent the guts of it with the prettiest girl in the world. And on the subject of guts, having had a most palatable main course at lunch, we decided to check out the dessert menu. Like you would. What we didn't expect was the size of the portions...

...which this picture doesn't really make clear. It was a humungous plate of dessert! And when you bear in mind that this was just mine and Polly had something along the similar size!

So I'm back to work tomorrow. Tuesday to Saturday again, so it's a happy coincidence that my next day off is St Valentine's day.

"Back to work tomorrow" means an obscenely early start again, so I'm inclined to swap the washing over, have a quick supper (yep, still hungry - healthy appetite!) and turn in for the night. Sweet dreams everyone. Especially you. 5 sleeps!

Discharge Note

Okay, now that she’s back at home I can relax a little and look around at the rest of the world.

I’ve spent very little time in the house since Monday. Maybe popped in for a quick snack between work and the hospital and then a meal after visiting time and before bed. Someone has clearly been using the house, though, as the washing up has multiplied beyond belief. Do dirty dishes breed, does anyone know? I thought that the pixies came in and did housework not held riotous parties. Little bastards! I may have to blitz the house on Sunday, which is my next day off.

So as I’m working tomorrow I‘m going to miss the start of the 6 Nations rugby. I can probably catch the end of the Ireland game in the work canteen and may have to linger in the Airport hotel if they have England v. Wales on in their bar.

I met a rugby loving lady last night. Rather nerve-wracking, actually. You remember what it’s like meeting family of a loved one for the first time. Thankfully she was charming, delightful company, a trait that obviously runs in the family. She was also kind enough to give me a lift home from the hospital.

On the subject of the hospital, to close. When I was waiting for a good moment to leave I saw the effect that certain company has on certain people and didn’t like it one tiny, little bit.

Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

Good Help

Sorry I haven’t been about too much so far this week. It’s been a little fraught.

My two closest companions are currently together. The small, cuddly dinosaur that I spend most of my time in the house talking to is with the person who is more dear to me than the rest of the world, in hospital.

Without going into unnecessary detail, I’m rather of the opinion that an issue which arose before Christmas was never adequately dealt with and has resurfaced. I know that she’s in the best place and that the best that Ireland can offer are looking after her but it was something of a shock to both of us when she was admitted.

So forgive me if I’m a little distracted, okay?

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. The rest of creation may have to manage without me for a bit while I concentrate on what really matters to me.

Don’t Stop Believing

Everybody should believe in something. I can’t help but regard Nihilism as one of the depressing philosophical tenets that I’ve ever heard of.

Having said that, there’ll be people who ask “So what do you believe in?” which I guess is a fair question.

Over my blogging life I’ve mentioned belief systems occasionally. I envy anyone who has a strong religious faith. Lives can be built on that kind of thing. Sadly lives can, and have been, destroyed on it too. I couldn't honestly call myself a religious man, even though I do have a spiritual side.

I guess I’m a mass of contradictions. I believe in the sanctity of all life but tend to support the death penalty and can’t ever imagine being a vegetarian. I believe that one should be as nice as one can possibly manage to everyone that one meets. If you really can’t stand someone then just keep out of their way or keep schtum!

There’s one thing above all else that I believe in – love. Call me an old hippie if you wish, or a hopeless romantic. God knows it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been called either of those things. I believe that in this big beautiful world there is someone for everyone. Some people, probably not all, have someone that they’re meant to be with. Someone that they were born to love and born to be with. And with all my heart I believe that I’ve found that person.

I also believe that my bloody shoulder hurts. Enough with the typing, already!

It’s very late but…

• I’m not as unhappy as I was in the last entry
• My arm hurts
• Time for sleeps.

Just a passing phase

Not even sure about posting this. The first five words are clearly bullshit or I wouldn’t have come back to the start to add this and seriously consider deleting the lot. Anyway…

I don’t mind telling you I was in foul mood when I got home this afternoon.

I’m not sure what happened. Work went reasonably well again, I think and I was happy enough when I came out of there. I went to arrange something for my Lady and I and then headed for the Airport to wait for my bus.

At some point between making the arrangements and getting on the bus, something almost crumbled. I turned my iPod on and gazed dully out of the window all the way into the city. It was cold and foggy when I got off the bus. Normally I like the fog, sensing the mysterious, almost ethereal quality it can bring. Today it just made me miserable. Every step up the hill I have to walk up was harder than the one before, my legs heavier.

I walked through the door at about 6 this evening, I think. A long day. I walked off a cold, foggy street into a cold, dark house. For a few minutes I wandered around it, not taking my coat off and leaving the music raging in my ears. I leaned against an ugly, veneered chipboard wall…thing and closed my eyes, feeling the prickle of tears behind them.

Nothing was different at the house from other days, I don’t know what happened or why. Let’s just put it down to a long day and not enough sleep. I’m usually fairly stoical (“very zen” I was told last week!) but this evening when I walked in it was too much. Thinking about it, the tears had been brewing for some time. Maybe it was only when I got in the safety of my home that I could let them go.

I didn’t make me feel any better, though. I sullenly made myself a coffee and trudged upstairs to heat the most easily heated room in the house. I may have dozed for a while before rousing myself to do what needed to be done – food, laundry, washing up, hoovering, you know the routine, I’m sure.

I’m still not right. I have this sour taste in my mouth and a feeling like I’m constantly on the verge of hiccoughing! Tomorrow, though, is another day, as a lady once said in the movies. I’ll be grand, as the locals say! Once the tumble drier has finished and I’ve remade the bed, I shall turn in and hope for better tomorrow. Waking up and reaching to pull myself up by my bootstraps is something I can do. It’s only just struck me that it was Sunday today and I that I have something of “a history” with Sundays recently.

Kindling Zen

I’ve spent most of this evening trawling the internet for a certain quote from a certain book. Oh, and Pepe Le Pew pictures. There’s a fundamental dichotomy at work, if I ever saw one.

I had something of an epiphany at work today. Those of the team who were taken on on temporary contracts finish at the end of the month. One of them has booked up holidays and finished already. It gave me a bit of a start, to be honest. There but for the grace of God etc.

Upwards of 20 years ago, I read Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance. At the time I was working for Bespak and still trying to climb the slippery pole. The book had some very interesting musings on “Quality” (and I capitalise that word advisedly, in this context), a word which the author, Robert M. Pirsig, deems to be undefinable.

The quote I was looking for refers to Quality in the workplace. Not just doing a good job but the state of mind both required to do a good job and the state of mind induced by doing a good job. To horribly simplify it, the quote is about trying to find a way to enjoy whatever your job is, no matter how humdrum, at least in part. About finding the quiet satisfaction in a job well done and the way that can spread. I think I might have at least touched a little of that recently. No, I don’t enjoy the hours that I’m required to keep at the moment but I was out of the job market for a long time and one has to start somewhere. I been able to focus on what I’m doing for a living – not for the sake of a living but for the sake of what it is.

Does that make any kind of sense? I wish I could find the quote I want but the book, like a lot of my books, it’s back in the UK. I may have to pop in the library on Monday.

Rain Song

Naturally, the weather turns on me after blessing me with spring sunshine at lunch time yesterday and today we're back to rain - on my day off. And yes, I know that it rains a lot here but on my day off when I have shopping to do? Cut me just a little slack here.

So I've done nothing today. Productivity I have postponed until tomorrow. I've lazed around like a contented dog and spent the day just resting. I've spent a lot of time gazing out of the window at the rain. Rain is fascinating. I had the house in silence just listening to the rhythm of it on the roof and against the window. Hypnotic. The house has stayed proof against it today as well, which is probably why I can sit here now and wax slightly lyrical about it!

The rain has never bothered me the way it does some people. Regular readers will now that I'd far rather it was raining than blazing 30 degree sunshine! There's something about the rain - it has different moods. It can be whipped into a raging frenzy at the urging of the wind but if left to it's own devices can be calming and restful. Sometimes it feels like the heavens weeping, overflowing with pain and remorse for the woes of the world, at other times it's joyful, almost playful, refreshing and exhilarating.

I find myself in a country that, from my own observation and in the opinion of the Lady I came here for, tends to show it's best when not dazzled by the sunlight. Yes, places will look pretty in a spring morning - nearly anywhere will. The rich greens of Ireland are better experienced in a mist or a light drizzle though. Or at least with enough cloud cover that the sun isn't aggressive. Maybe that's one of the reasons I feel so at home here. The country and I aren't used to the sunshine and although we can cope with it for a little while we only really come out of ourselves when the yellow face has gone away.

Blogging this from my netbook, which I've been using for the last hour or so, while the laptop cools down. A job for tomorrow is to try and find a computer repair shop and see how much they'd charge me to look at it. Yes, it'll be money I can ill afford but if they can cure it's ills it'll cost me a lot less than driving the poor beast to it's death and then trying to replace it!

Airport Hill

My right shoulder hurts. Just thought I’d mention that. What an ice-breaker, eh?

It’s very late and it’s midweek. It’s very quiet. Very quiet. Even the local students and noisy neighbours have turned in for the night, I think.

I’m on the point of turning out the light myself. I shall pull the duvet up to my chin and snuggle down into cool pillows. I’m not sure why I felt the need to share that. I know that not everyone will be as warm and comfortable as I tonight, nor as contented. I can hear a car in the distance, the night air caressing the sound into a low purr like a happy cat.

I won’t be climbing Airport Hill tomorrow, not on foot, in a bus nor in a car. I have a day off work. Yet there’ll be a lot of me there, somehow. I’ve become as wrapped up in my current place of employment as ever I was in Bespak when I worked there. I may not end my working life where I am now, or, as I’m in my mid-forties I may not have the choice and may have to sweat it out to make some kind of a retirement possible.

I’m employed, though. Full-time and permanent, even though I’m currently only a junior member of staff. I have an income and one more place to belong.

Parts of me will be climbing Airport Hill tomorrow. Travelling in a car with a pretty lady will be my heart mind and soul, all of which she has in her keeping. There’s not a better place anywhere on this green earth nor in the heavens above it that I could stow them.

From the bedroom window I can see the lights on Airport Hill. The traffic snaking up and down. The garish glow of the streetlights. It looks so close. Many things look close tonight. Sleep not the least.

Not asleep

Something woke me with a start at 4 this morning and I didn’t go back to sleep. I stayed snuggled in the warmth before getting up in time to have a coffee before setting off for the bus whereas the mornings are usually a tearing hurry to get around and out of the house. Nice? I suppose but I’m kind of curious what it was that woke me.

The weather was fairly calm last night – one of those clear, still winter nights although not as cold as we have had. I wonder whether it was a dream; whether whatever my subconscious was up to was too fragile to hold for long. I certainly didn’t wake feeling anxious or distressed like I have after a bad dream. Thinking back on it now, I have no recollection of any dream but I remember being peaceful. I didn’t “jump awake” or startle at all. I was just very, very awake all of a sudden. Content and settled but wide awake. I would usually go back to sleep but didn’t this morning. Strange.

There have been plans afoot today for a little time away. Finances and circumstances dictate that it’s unlikely to be for more than a long weekend and it won’t be overseas at all, unless something out of the ordinary happens but it’ll be nice to be “away” together. To be able to relax in each other’s company without wondering who might be about to walk around the corner.

I think that’s it for this evening. My typing is even less accurate than usual, which is probably a symptom of barely recognised tiredness. I bid you all a restful night.

Monday, Monday

Maybe I should try blogging earlier in the evening. I don’t know what to type.

I have this strange compulsion to write at the moment. Not necessarily “write” with a pen or pencil. Typing will do. A compulsion to create with words. Hence the rush of blog entries, I guess. For the last couple of months I’ve been running at very nearly one a day.

Some of these have been mind-numbingly crap, I’ll hold my hands up to that one. others have been only a few lines. I think it’s a symptom, though. I think there’s something bubbling away just under the surface that’s only waiting a chance to get out. I don’t think these daily outpourings are serving to alleviate the pressure, it’s more like my trying to find a way to let it out. I don’t know.

It’s very late now. I’m going to draw a line under today before it seeps into tomorrow. I’ve founds parts of today quite difficult to cope with, so I’m hoping that Tuesday won’t turn it’s back on me.

Forever

Not my words, but too beautiful a song not to share somehow. If only I could find a way to get the music on here.

Forever…

Sleeping in, in case I miss you
Dreaming takes me right there to you
Quilt of silver golden thread
Your face is shining in my head
  
Waking up I see you slipping
Don't disappear, quench your thirst there
Ace of hearts, stolen diamond
Skylark singing, church bells chiming
  
The sudden sight of you is pleasing
It's only perfect things we're seeking
My heart's awake, my fear is sleeping
You are forever keeping
  
Forever, Forever
  
My mood is cracked, I start to tremble
Splintered tears to re-assemble
I'm not able to express it
But I'm sure that I will get it
  
Lazy is the sleepy summer
I melt myself and drip upon her
Now we're liquid mixed together
Oh we can last forever
  
Forever, forever
  
I am focusing my actions
Pressing on with this attraction
If arrows fly then I will catch them
  
Oh it's you forever good time 

The Kindlestick and the Fox

One of the rules I set myself when I started work again was that  wasn’t going to blog about it. At all, beyond mentioning that I’d started and I seem to recall once saying where.

This tends to pose a problem. I don’t do much else but go out to work at the moment, money being a little tight. I can live with that, though. Over my blogging life I’ve got used to “making shit up” or just waffling inanely. What amazes me is that people still come to read it. It can’t just be one or two of you making the counter click over like that. Thank you all.

The thing is, something quite amusing happened today and I’d love to mention it here. But I’m not going to, especially after recent events. Oh well.

First thing this morning I was walking from the airport, through the business park on my way into work. There’s an abundance of bunnies around the business park at all times of the day and night, and of the year too. They always bring a smile to my face and, for rabbits, they’re reasonably tolerant of people.

One morning some time ago I saw something kind of dog sized and shaped and was convinced that it was a fox. Far from impossible as there’s a lot of farm-land around. This morning I was left with no doubt at all as a fox trotted out of the darkness and stopped, looking at me. I stopped and looked back. Then said “hello”. It was no more than 10 feet away from me, about as far as from where I’m sitting to the wardrobe.

I figured that as soon as I acknowledged it’s presence at all it’d be off like a furry bullet from a gun but it didn’t seem that bothered. It glanced around, not nervously, then looked back at me.

“Good morning.” said I, remembering my manners. “May I have a photograph, please?”

As I didn’t get a reply in the negative, I fumbled in my pocket for my phone. The fox stood calmly watching me, brush straight out behind. In something of a dream I aimed the camera and pressed to focus. Maybe the light of the auto-focus wasn’t to the fox’s liking. It didn’t dart away into the early morning darkness, though. With a almost bored shake of the head, it quietly trotted into the shadows. The photo I took didn’t even show a brush fading into into the distance. Nothing but an early morning view of a bush with a building in the background.

This time though, I know I saw a fox.

Poorly

I've not felt well at all today. I woke up with a headache that is only now beginning to fade slightly, I've been nauseous, dizzy and just generally bleugh!It's felt like a raging hangover but I promise you not a drop has passed my lips for ages. Weeks, if I remember rightly.

I've also been looking at photographs from a year ago. There'll come a day when I can maybe post some of them here, but not yet.

It would have been nice to have felt a little better on my day off but these things can't be helped. Of more concern to me is the state of health of my laptop. I'm writing this on my small, pink netbook as the laptop is having serious issues tonight. I don't want to have to be trying to find money to get it looked at but there's only so much I can do with this little pink beauty. The trouble is that my laptop is my single biggest support, apart from Polly. It's a radio, a DVD player, my link to my friends in the outside world. It's been suggested that it's an issue with the fan, causing it to shut down to avoid overheating. I may have to pool opinions on a good computer repairer in Cork and see whether I can get a quote for having it looked at. Gah!

So I'm sat here with a packet of custard creams and a glass of juice, wondering how late I can get away with staying up so I've done something with my day rather than mope around. Not much longer probably. Sweet dreams everyone.

Can’t think of a title…

It’s been a pretty good couple of days. I’ve had the opportunity to listen to an awful lot of music and had a fairly relaxing time at work while getting a lot done.

Isn’t it nice when you meet people in the flesh for the first time and they’re as pleasant as you hope? There’ve been a crowd from a site that the company has in Europe over this week. Polly and I had the opportunity to go for a coffee with a young lady who I’d chatted with over the internet and very briefly over the phone. Charming girl. Even if she did make me jump like hell the first time we met!

The reason I’m thinking of the first time I’ve met people is that January 16th is a certain anniversary. A day when, stood in a hotel lobby, I turned around and saw my future.

It’s completely hurling it down with rain outside. The change in the last few days is startling. From snow, to serious frosts (including one rather hairy walk in the morning. The airport, where I get of the bus is about 10 minutes walk to/from work. It took me nearly half an hour one morning, due to black ice everywhere. I wondered at one point if I might have to sit down and wait for it to thaw – it was that hard to walk on!) to almost torrential rain and high winds. And the temperature has been up in double figures tonight. Outrageous.

I have a day off tomorrow. I have no plans, beyond a little food shopping. Roll on payday!

You won’t feel the steel…

…until it’s hanging out your back.

Labouring this point isn’t going to do anyone any good but…be careful what you put your name to online. Someone very, very dear to me has been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust and is now having an online posting used against them in their place of work.

It’s probably a good thing that I’m not 100% certain who it was. It’s definitely a good thing that I’m not 100% certain who it was. At the moment.

Relatively early

Before it gets too late tonight…

Firstly, there’s something that I intend not to address beyond the rather cryptic “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”. Play the game!

So okay, yes, snow. I got down into the city and the buses were running. All good there. My  lovely Lady braved the roads and made it work after what’s usually about a 40 minute drive, taking it easy, turned into a 2 hour one due to the weather. While the city is thawing the countryside out where she lives isn’t and is in the grip of freezing fog. Much as I’d like to see her tomorrow I’d be happier if she didn’t try it again until the roads have cleared a little.

My cash-flow problem should ease a little in the near future. I remembered that there’s another €50 in a savings accounts, that’ll go a long way to next payday and keep me online as well!

I get easily distracted by books, music, my mobile and snacking. It’s now late! Sweet dreams.

Coupla things…

Not much to say tonight. It’s cold and it snowed. I’m reliably informed (Facebook!) that there’s a thaw going on in the city centre.

This is what one might term a “double-edged sword”. Yes, if it thaws then I’ll be able to get in comfortably, as will Polly on her first day back. We kind of had visions of her becoming “stranded” in the city, “not being able” to get home and “having to stay over at a friend’s”. Ah well.

There’s something restful about snowfall. I went and wandered around in it for a while at break today. It seems to muffle a lot of sound and produce a feeling of stillness, unless it’s a complete blizzard, of course.

I wish I had some biscuits.

I wish I had some ice-cream too.

I have cramp in my foot and my pillow is calling. Goodnight everyone.

Hey Jude

There’s snow on the way apparently. I just got up and had a peer out of the window but no, it’s not here yet. There’s the very sharp frost that I’m kinda getting used to but no sign of the snow yet.

I know that most of the UK has has a swathe of snow and much of the northern part of Ireland has too, I hear. It’s coming. It could make for some fun and games getting to work. I have a walk of about 20 minutes (depending on how icy the pavements are) to get to the bus stop I need and then about a 20 minute ride to the business park. There’s been morning when very few of us have made it in. The roads around here have been so icy for so long that some of them are next to impassable. A few inches of snow on top of that is going to be great fun.

Of course, every cloud has a silver lining. Polly may just make it into work and then not be able to get home again, which would necessitate her staying in the city somewhere…

I had a Judie Tzuke night tonight, after buying an album of hers on iTunes with a voucher I was given at Christmas. Judie really should have been far more well-known in my humble opinion. A beautiful, distinctive voice and  a very varied output. Maybe that was the catch – she can’t really be pinned down to any particular genre and the music press do like to pigeonhole people, while we all know that the only thing that fits in a pigeonhole is a pigeon!

I’ve been searching the internet for a clip (video preferably but sound-only would do) of “Let Me Be The Pearl” which is one of my favourites of hers. As yet, I can’t find one. And it’s getting late. I have a craving for something sweet. My cupboard stocks are a little limited at the moment, so we’re either talking honey or cereal with sugar sprinkled on. Neither of these are compatible with a laptop computer!

Sé Mhí

Six months ago this happened…

and I walked into the arrivals lounge at Cork Airport.

Six months to the day since I first set foot in this little house. knowing that I’d be able to see Polly nearly every day.

Since that day I have a job, a few people I’d consider friends, my beard back again and a bunch of memories. Most of the memories are very good ones. I won’t lie to any of you, there have been dark times when I’ve been cold and lonely – not necessarily sat in the house, either. There are few lonelier places than a city where you don’t know anyone.

As I said, it’s been mostly good, though. A learning experience. Learning the differences between English and Irish culture, some fascinating snippets of colloquial language, learning about how Polly and I would make “us” work on a day-to-day basis and, more than anything else, learning about myself. Re-learning maybe. Unforgetting, even.

Throughout it all, there’s been a constant. Every single day I’ve felt the support of a very special lady. If she couldn’t be with me in person then she’s only been as far away as a phone or a computer. Everything that I’ve managed has been easier because of her. Never was a man so taken care of.

And as I have to get up in a very few hours, for tonight, that’s better be all. Sweet dreams.

Upstairs

It's got so cold over here that I've taken just trying to heat the one room. Downstairs has stone floors and tiles throughout which make it very chilly. The bedroom here is the warmest and best-lit room in the house so I've moved up here for the duration, only venturing down when necessary.

'Twas lovely to have company too, today. My darling girl popped round for a few hours. It was the first time we'd been together since before Christmas and it was so nice to see her and to catch up a little.

We always seem to have more to talk about than we can actually fit in the time we have so we're always left with a touch of "oh rats, I meant to say so-and-so". We have the rest of our lives to talk about whatever we want though and never have to worry about not saying things. Once you've found your forever, nevers don't matter.

I have something of an anniversary tomorrow, which I shall mention here. There's actually another anniversary 8 days after that, which I may well mention too.

For now, I have nothing really to say, I just had the urge to blog. Just checking in really. "Twirling" is important to me, not only as a source of news for my friends but as somewhere I can go to say whatever I want. If I'm feeling happy or sad or whatever, it's likely to be recorded here. And on that note, I'll bid you all a very goodnight.

Freeze

On January 1st the Irish Government passed into law the Defamation Act of which part is concerned with blasphemy.

“It defines blasphemy as publishing or uttering matter grossly abusive or insulting in relation to matters held sacred by any religion, thereby intentionally causing outrage among a substantial number of adherents of that religion, and intending by such publication to cause such outrage.”

and is punishable by a fine of up to €25,000. So watch this space!

Not that I’ve got €25,000, of course. I actually have the princely sum of –€65 to see me until the end of the month. So it’s off to the bank within the next couple of days to offer up my soul. Or, if they’d prefer, I could round up a few children for them.

So, it’s cold. In fact it’s seriously minus degrees at night and barely scraping above melting point during the day. This is a far from ideal situation when the plumbing of the house in which one is living has certain idiosyncrasies – like the feed pipe for the shower from the cold water tank running outside the house. See where I’m going with this? Luckily there’s a shower room at work. Must take towels tomorrow…

I haven’t quite managed to slip over on ice again. It’s come to the flailing of arms and blaspheming on more than one occasion but I’ve managed to stay upright. Fnarr!

And for now, I guess, that is all. Roll on Thursday.

Retrospective

2009? I left an old life to start a new one.

That kind of outweighs the rest. It was the year when  first took the hand of the woman I was born to love and when I discovered, against all expectations, that I was employable and could actually make a pretty good fist of it.

And when I realised if I was tired, I could go to bed!

Upcoming Hootenanny

I’ve left it far too late to write much here. Chucking it down with rain most of the day and it’s supposed to freeze tonight. That’ll be fun in the morning! Which, incidentally, isn’t that far away.

I promise to come up with more tomorrow than a couple of sentences about how late it is and how I don’t have time to blog, okay? Especially as it’ll be my last entry for 2009!

Roll up for the End Of The Year show…

Whoops!

I just realised what the time is.

I should seriously be off to bed. Night, folks.

Oh yes!

After the shock of last night when I was convinced for a little while that my laptop had died, I’m happy to report (quietly, though, and although I’m not superstitious can everyone touch wood as they read this) that it seems to be humming happily to itself again.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I was horrified at the prospect of it being FUBAR’ed and felt a little like this…

I guess I’d have managed without it. I’d have had no choice, really but it brought it home to me how much I rely on it. Besides the internet access it’s a radio, a DVD player, a photo album, a back-up of all my music and just generally a window on the world for times that I’m alone. And, mercifully, it appears to be working now!

 

So for tonight I’m not even approaching the profound or the meaningful. I’m just giving thanks that I’m here at all. And that my will-power held this morning when I was offered a cigarette by a well-meaning colleague at work. Was I tempted? For a second yes I was. Only for a second though. I realised that although the thought of having a smoke was kinda nice, I didn’t really want one. This is an important realisation. I guess I could now be described as a recovering addict rather than just an addict. I wouldn’t like to be without one of these, though…

I know that they look a little naff. In fact they look like one has a mini-tampon in one’s mouth, which is classy. A nice lady in a pharmacy gave me a pair of black ones which are at least a little less uncool than the white ones. They provide the hit of nicotine should the craving get uncontrollable and satisfy the habit of “hand to mouth” which is such a big part of smoking.

Speaking of hands, I have something of a rash at the moment. I don’t think it’s my old stress-related thing, it looks more like some kind of contact dermatitis. Maddeningly itchy it is, so I’m hoping it fades very quickly.

Right – today my shower was finally fixed so I’m off to stand under running hot water before bedtime. Sweet dreams, everyone.

Oh no

Normal service may be resumed if I can get my laptop to run for more than 5 minutes without crashing. This is sent from my phone.

Obviously this cuts most of my access to Facebook, email and music.

I think that was the sound of a door slamming.

Candelabra

It’s getting late and I don’t believe I shall be out of bed for much longer. It’s not as cold outside as it has been for the last few nights and I don’t believe that there’s a frost. At least there wasn’t the last time that I looked and I can’t honestly be bothered to get up and look specifically to check.

I typed the word “believe” in each of the first two sentences tonight and got it wrong both times. As I did in the sentence previous to this one. Does this mean I’m having problems with belief?

So WTF am I doing awake at this time of the morning? Nothing really. Just been hanging out online, passing the time.

It’s now even later and no I haven’t yet been to sleep. I’ve been “chatting” with my favourite lady and then just laid here in the dark, thinking. And getting hungry apparently. “Hungry” must be dealt with so I just padded down to the kitchen for some kind of snack. Snack is now consumed and I’m about to try to get some sleep with loads buzzing around in my head.

Mercifully, I’ve got a day off work tomorrow. I also have a horrible feeling that I might not be very coherent for much longer so I’ll sign off and maybe be back in the morning.

I need some kind of a title for this post, too. I can’t think of anything brilliantly witty to call it so I’m going to pluck a word from the ether at random and drop it in as the post title.

Laters

In The Bleak Mid-winter

As the forecast for tonight is between –4 and –7C, I think the word “bleak” is permissible. Sudden, too. I was walking home at about half past five this evening and it was slightly frosty. An hour and a half later and there was thick ice on the pavements! Scary.

Funny day today. Yesterday there was a definite Christmas buzz around, even work felt Christmassy. Today, not so much. There’s been a subdued air about and I don’t know why.

In the hunt for a little Christmas spirit to match my own (which had become sorely tried over the course of the day) I set out with the intention of finding a Church service tonight. I envisaged warmth and light and singing and families and just generally Christmas. What I found was a Cathedral with the gates securely locked. I’d been told that there was a church about 30 minutes walk away that was nice so I set off for that, not quite realising how slippery the pavements were. No, I didn’t fall over but I had to moderate my speed a fair bit, with the result that their service had started when I got there. At least I think it had.

I’d kind of expected that a church on Christmas Eve would be full of light and voices whereas this one had the lights turned on but seemed quiet apart from that. I noticed a handful of people outside the door and asked as politely as I could whether or not the service had started. I wasn’t really expecting the answer I got. I don’t intend to quote it word for word here as this is a family show but suffice to say it referred to my nationality and compared me to an area of the female anatomy as well as enquiring why I was interested. I left.

It’s no big deal – I’ve been called worse. I was slightly saddened that it happened on a church doorstep on Christmas Eve, though. It kind of killed off my desire for company as well, so I made my careful way back home and put the radio on. I’m now sat here very early on Christmas morning listening to Carols. As much as I’d like to linger here a while longer, with the sweet sounds of the choir ringing out, some of us are at work in the morning…

Merry Christmas, everyone.

In The Footsteps Of Small Creatures

So, very quickly before I start work.

I knew it had snowed last night out where my Lady lives because she told me so. There wasn't a single flake in the city, though. I got up this morning to see no sign of frosty sparkles by the streetlights. It wasn't until I got more than half-way down to the city centre to catch my bus that I saw any signs of a freeze at all. The were occasional glistens on cars that had been parked overnight but the pavements were clear.

I don't tend to pay much attention out of the bus windows any more - I've seen the view from the main road enough to know that it's there and to be aware of any mornings when it might look particularly spectacular. To be honest, it's still dark when I'm travelling in and I can't see much anyway. It wasn't until I got off the bus at the airport that I noticed the ground was white.

"Sharp frost out here!" thought I. This wouldn't have been impossible as the airport and the business park have their very own weather systems going on, being on the top of a hill.

But no, it was snow. A good few inches of it, too. So this morning, I walked to work from the airport following rabbit tracks in the snow by the tangerine sparkle of the streetlights. Slightly surreal. No more so than working on Christmas Day, though.

Laters, people.

Freeze

It’s Christmas Eve eve. As my shower isn’t working I’m waiting for water to boil so I can wash my hair and have a quick wash down.

It’s very cold here currently. I just heard a weather forecast on the radio which suggested a drop to –7C tonight, so I’ll have to take care walking down for the bus in the morning. It may be a little slippy underfoot. I actually slipped over earlier this evening. Polly and I were in the car when she noticed a lady picking herself up off the pavement. Polly pulled in and I got out of the car to go and see if the lady was alright. I hadn’t planned to be going base over apex myself, on a sheet of sheer ice. Apparently it was a complete slapstick fall, with my legs flying right up in the air. I was fine, luckily, as was the lady who’d fallen.

 

I mentioned the other day that I’d be guiding you to the greatest invention ever. A very pretty girl very nearly guessed right when she said “electric blanket”. I was actually surprised that she didn’t get it right as I’d been waxing lyrical about this very item earlier that evening. I meant these:

which are just the best idea ever! No more getting a handful of dog slobber when one picks up a tennis ball. Just a flick of the wrist and the ball goes sailing away. A certain dog I met a couple of days ago loves it, as does his little friend.

It’s been ages since I had to wash my hair over a sink! That was a flash-back. The shower was FUBAR’ed when I got home from work on Saturday. It’s been replaced but the pipe taking water to it is outside the house and is frozen, apparently. We’ll see if the new one works when this cold snap ends. I actually have my doubts.

Bed for me. Goodnight all.

Walking The Walk

“At Christmas you tell the truth” someone once said. Telling the truth isn’t that hard if one picks and chooses the times. It’s even fairly easy to get by with “not lying” and just finessing what one says sufficiently to hide what’s really going on. Occasionally an outright lie may be called for.

If it’s someone who doesn’t know you well enough to detect the deception, then I suppose that’s all well and good. God knows I’ve done it. If it’s someone that knows you, really knows you, then they’re likely to know that they’re not being told the whole truth. They may choose to let it go, thinking that you have your reasons.

The hard part comes when someone one has sworn never to lie to, and who knows one well enough to detect a falsehood, asks a question the honest answer to which may hurt them.

I faced that today and told the truth. The truth is that life is hard sometimes. Having said that, I can expand on it.

Yes, I get lonely sometimes when the house is cold, empty and quiet. I struggle sometimes at work and feel an ache in my heart whenever anyone walks past me with a dog. I will never forget the look on my Elder Daughter’s face when I left and I’m sorry for the pain I caused other members of my family.

I wouldn’t undo any of it, though. Life is hard and not as long as we’d like. Since July I have had days the bliss and contentment of which far outweigh any darkness lurking. I have found that which I was always looking for, my heart’s ease and my constant joy.

That sounds a little “cheesy” even to me! Sorry, everyone.

It’s true though. If someday I may be called to account and asked to pay for what I’ve done, then so be it. Any choice, other than the one I made, would have left my heart and soul cold and dead within me. I chose life and light, laughing in the rain, kissing in the mist and the smartest, most delightful, witty, caring, beautiful woman that ever lived. I am hers for this life and beyond and she knows it. She is my dream, my hope, my inspiration and my spur. She’s my darlin’ girl and my Lady.

She’s probably embarrassed now, too! Back to more prosaic things, next post. Broken showers, payslips and the greatest invention ever…well…invented. And I don’t mean the wheel. Nor Jaffa Cakes!

Icicles

I have lots that I’d like to say here but I’ve left it too late and am too cold, so it’ll have to wait for a slightly less chilly time. Maybe tomorrow.

At Christmas You Tell The Truth

Squeezed In

It’s obviously far too late for me to be blogging tonight.

So I won’t.

A Wave In The Air

It was seriously frosty here last night. While my lovely Lady was out in the car about 11 pm it was freezing. I don’t imagine that it got any warmer between then and morning so I’m very,very grateful that she got up far earlier than she needed to in order to drive me to work.

Back to bus travel in the morning though, as she’s in Dublin this evening enjoying Eddie Izzard. I, clearly, am not jealous in the slightest.

I actually don’t mind the bus journeys. I’ve managed to find a way of getting in and out of work that costs about half of what Bus Eireann would charge me, which is good. The journey in in the mornings gives me a chance to doze with my iPod on and the journey back into town in the afternoon gives me a chance to just…unwind. Of course, I’m quite happy to ditch the bus for the chance of a lift with my darlin’ girl.

My Christmas decorations are all up. I may even honour you all with a picture in a couple of days. Or I might not. Depends. I really ought to wrap Christmas pressies, write cards and post what needs posting.

I also ought to be getting to sleep. Night, everyone. Who knows, I may even dream of an unexpected trip overseas that’s been suggested for next year. How cool would that be?

Catch Up

It’s been a few days since I got around to posting. Sorry guys. It’s easy to get into the habit of blogging every day but just as easy to get out of the habit.

Since I was last here I’ve been to see the rather wonderful Joe Bonamassa play live and have bought tickets for Deep Purple next June. It’s so good to have been to a gig again.

What else? I’ve bought some more Christmas decorations and am slowly getting them put up bit by bit. I blitzed the housework a few days ago which felt pretty good so maybe I should approach the decorations in the same way – pitch into them and not stop or get distracted until they’re done.

I’m still a cigarette-free zone although I had a rather major wobble this afternoon in town and very nearly asked a complete stranger for a smoke! The will-power just held though and the craving passed. Or “faded” rather than “passed”. I’d still like one but don’t want one, if you get my drift. I rather think that this might be a battle I have to fight for the rest of my life.

On the subject of “the rest of my life”, it’s surprising how little time it takes for me to miss my Lady when we’re not together. My hand feels cold and empty without hers in it, without her shoulder to hug or her hair to stroke. Even the house seems warmer when she’s here or maybe that’s just the warmth she brings to my heart.

It’s late. I have “stuff” I want to get done tomorrow so I’m off to bed. Sweet dreams, everyone. Especially you…

Incidentally...

It's a rainy, chilly Monday morning and I've already been at work for half an hour. I actually start in 15 minutes.

"So what's your point?", I hear you ask.

Just this - I'm happy. I have a home, a job and I'm very much in love.

I wanted to tell you all that. I want to tell everyone that! As if it's not obvious when they look at me.

Dozed and Confused

I must stop the whole “dropping off in the armchair when I get home”. All it does is put the times that I get things done back, like tonight. I’d planned to have an earlier night but here I sit wrapped in towels, only just out of the shower.

That’s the best case scenario. Yesterday was awful. I dropped off about 6 in the evening, I guess and woken with a start about an hour later. Seeing the time was nearly 7, I jumped up in a panic, convinced that it was 7 a.m. and I was late for work. Not good.

Sunday Morning

I actually deleted a post from last night as being unnecessarily negative.

I had a night out and a few games of pool. End of.

I wish I hadn't got my shifts muddled up though. I was in work well before 7 yesterday morning, as usual, and didn't realise until nearly 8 that it was my day off and I wasn't supposed to be in. Back home and back to bed went I.

Would it be alright if I did the same thing today? Rather tired here, actually.

Dance The Night Away

I didn’t mean nor want to be up this late. Believe it or not I got involved in some housework and didn’t realise how late it was getting.

I’m sat here now, having a last drink before bed. Still off the smokes and increasingly determined to stay that way.

I don’t know why I’m posting at all – I don’t really have anything to say. I burned my finger tonight but that’s hardly newsworthy. It’s not going to bring civilisation crumbling into ruin, is it? I’d hate for my finger to be blamed for the end of the world as we know it. Mind you, if we were facing a global crisis that could be directly attributed to me, I’d just arrange for someone to do the Robot Dance to distract everyone else while I made good my escape.

And on that note, I climb the stairs…

Thursday. Maybe.

It’s been a few days. I’d kind of fallen into the habit of posting something here every evening. I don’t know why I’ve missed a few days. I’ve had nothing particular that I care to say but that doesn’t usually stop me!

One thing that is probably worth mentioning is that I haven’t had a cigarette since November 30th. That’s now three full days. I must admit, though, if I could’ve bought just one somewhere tonight…

So what else? The usual kind of thing – work, worry about some things and deep contentment with others. Just your normal kind of a life really.

There was a very cold snap in the weather here a few days ago, to the extent that I went out and bought hat and gloves and a pair of boots with rather more grip on them than my others. The walk from here to the bus-stop at silly o’clock in the morning is down a rather steep hill. I don’t relish that walk if the pavements are slippery.

I decorated my desk at work today. Just a little tinsel and a very mini-tree but it looks quite festive. This is remarkable, especially when added to the fact that I’ve now got a Christmas Tree up in the house too. I’m unrecognisable from the guy who grumbled and bitched his way through Christmas 2007.

So I suppose I should draw a line under today. I think that tomorrow is Friday, so I’ve got two days left before I get a day off. I lose track of what day it is so easily now. It must be my age (before anyone else says it!) I guess.

Okay, I’m off to bed as soon as I can get my internet connection to hold long enough to post this. Sweet dreams.

Too Short

For whatever reason there seem to be a lot of intimations of mortality around at the moment.

Life is a wonderful thing and I intend to spend many years of it with someone who’ll read this soon, who makes every moment of it sweeter than it would be without her. For that reason, amongst others, tonight I smoke my last cigarettes. This life is short enough as it is, I need to make sure that my last meal is a long, long time away.

The Lights In My Eyes

Something unexpected happened to me on Saturday evening. I started to cry.

Not through sadness or loneliness or regret or anything like that. I’m actually hard pushed to put a single word on it.

There’s a park in the city centre called Bishop Lucey Park. It’s been done out as a winter wonderland, filled with lights and grottos, snow machines and people dressed as animals who shake hands and hug children. Santa is there too, of course.

I’d been working on Saturday. Working hard to hit targets and achieve stats. You know how it is. When I got off the bus in the city centre, on my way home, I found a craft fair and food stalls all along Grand Parade. I was delighted – it beat walking home to an empty house. I was browsing through the pretty things at the fair with the scents of burgers and the bustle of the crowds filling my senses when I spotted the lights in the park and thought I’d have a look.

My first thought was “wow, that’s nice” as I approached. The entrance to the park is a big arched gateway and as I walked under the arch and took in the full scene I just knew I wanted to take a picture to show Polly. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and felt a sudden tightening in my throat. My hands fell to my sides and I looked around me again. The air seemed filled with more than just dancing lights and fake snow swirling around frames in reindeer shapes. There was an almost palpable feeling of happiness. My face twisted and I felt tears filling my eyes. This made the lights sparkle even more and intensified the effect. I had to go and stand in a quiet corner of the park for a few minutes while I wept silent tears of wonder.

So what brought that on? Lack of sleep and a long day’s work? Maybe. I prefer to think that I walked slap bang into the Christmas spirit, way before I expected to, that it killed stone dead the last of the cold-hearted cynic within me and the tears were, maybe, of relief that such simple happiness could reach me. I wandered around the park like a man in a daze, with a smile playing around my lips. I shook hands with someone dressed as a giant chipmunk who had just hugged a little girl until she giggled. I tried to take some pictures with trembling hands, which I’ll try to load here too. They didn’t come out very well but that’s not the point. Something important happened to me on Saturday and I’m a better person for it.

So much so that I found myself back there tonight, enjoying the good vibes and the brief company of a very, very pretty lady and her children. And I bought a Christmas tree, more of which another night.

Touched

Two things of note happened today.

I did something very silly, which I have no intention of going into and later someone did the honour of trusting me with the truth.

I don’t propose to discuss that in detail either beyond saying that I don’t believe anyone has every valued me that highly before. I became quite emotional.

If you’ll pardon my being cryptic, that is all for tonight.

Protective

Over the years I suppose I've changed. Everybody does. I was painfully shy as a child, which probably caused me to over-compensate and to appear a bit of a spoiled brat at times.

One thing that hasn't changed in me is my compassion for others. However I might try to feign a world-weariness sometimes, I still worry about "people" in general. This way lies madness, if taken to extremes, so I've had to try to keep a lid on it and satisfy myself with the odd random act of kindness, supporting Greenpeace and trying not to be unpleasant to anyone, no matter how much I may dislike them or feel that they deserve it.

That's strangers, though. When someone close to me, whom I love and care about, is hurt or cross or upset then it's going to impact me. Not on the surface level where it affects my interactions with others or means I can't do my job. I mean deep down inside where the deepest and truest of emotions lay. The best way to describe it is "what touches you, touches me".

For someone I love, I'll take on the world, if they'll let me.

To warm….

There’s nothing for warming you when you’re cold like tomato soup. I’m almost tempted to capitalise that. Tomato Soup. There.

I hadn’t been at secondary school long – I must have been in the first or second year. A sponsored walk was organised to raise funds, if I remember correctly, for a new mini-bus for the school. The route for us young ‘uns was along the bank of the River Great Ouse from Lynn to Stowbridge, which made a round trip of about 13 or 14 miles. The older students had the option of pressing on the Downham Market, if they wished, making a round trip of about 25.

I have no idea what time of year it was, except that it clearly wouldn’t have been February or anything like that. Even though this was the late ‘70s, there would have been some kind of objection to kids walking at that time of year. Whenever it was, predictably, it threw it down with rain. We weren’t obliged to all stick together as long as no-one was walking alone. I seem to remember being a group of 5 of 6 and we were a rather sorry looking lot by the time we trudged into a marquee by the river at Stowbridge. We were wet through and thoroughly cold. Staff members were serving hot soup. I have never to this day tasted anything as delicious as the two cups of soup I had that day.

Obviously that’s a little artistic licence going on there. Nevertheless the taste of that soup, on that cold wet day, having walked for miles has stayed with me over the years. I don’t believe that I will ever taste Tomato Soup without thinking of that day.

Searching

I have had an evening of searching for that which I cannot find. Sounds profound I know.

I’m not talking about about searching for love or truth or righteousness. I’m referring to my fruitless search for €6 in Tesco vouchers. I meant to take them to Tesco, to put toward some shopping on Monday. Yesterday. I would have sworn that they were in my wallet but apparently not. Tonight I have lifted things, moved things, rummaged through things, shuffled things and scattered things. For God’s sake, I don’t have that many things here!

The vouchers have clearly slipped through through an eddy in the time-space continuum and are probably wafting gently in the breeze in 6th century Mongolia, or some such place.

I have been remarkably restrained and have not sworn at all. Well, hardly at all. When I have resorted to foul language it’s not been because of the non-appearance of the damnable vouchers, it’s been if I knock my knee on something. I tripped down a curb this morning, while not looking where I was going. My own fault entirely. The knee has been a little sore all day but is now gradually stiffening up. I’m going to take it off to bed, to the warm and have a few pages of my book.

And tomorrow, I promise, I will do the ironing. I’ll have to – I’m running out of shirts!

Streamlet of Consciousness

I just deleted several paragraphs. What I’d written made it sound like I’m miserable and I’m really not. I’m fairly chirpy, actually. So let’s start again, shall we?

My littlest girl is 15 today. I rang the school and checked she was having a good time. They offered to bring her to the phone but she was in the middle of “having a good time” and I didn’t like to disturb her. Don’t the years go by fast? Sometimes.

I remember when I was 15. It was about that age when I decided that I could overcome being painfully shy by inventing a persona – presenting a mask to the world, if you will. Very few people ever realised this. It’s only very recently that I’ve been able to let him slip quietly away into rehab and take up the reins of my own life again. Like pushing a car downhill, he kind of ran away with me. There are still people who only know me by his name.

Anyhoo, here I am, taking slightly bigger steps every day. When I have a certain hand in mine those steps could be on clouds.

Okay that last sentence may have stepped over the line. If anyone feels nauseous now, I apologise.

Shower. Ovaltine (I know, I know). Bed. Sweet dreams everyone.

Evening all!

Before it gets too late and I get too tired, just a few words.

It’s seemed cold here today. The strong wind has obviously been a part of that. I’ve hardly left the house at all. I strolled over to the local shop and bought milk, marmalade and biscuits but the whole trip took no longer than 10 minutes.

I’m guessing that the fact I haven’t had a decent walk today is the reason that I’m a bit achy. I’ve pottered around the house, done a whole bunch of laundry and some housework but steadfastly ignored the ironing. I’m used to walking a fairly good distance every day and the fact that I haven’t today has been a bit of a shock to my system.

I’ve always enjoyed walking. It’s very rare that the weather would put me off and it wouldn’t have today if I’d really wanted to go. I don’t suppose a day away from it will hurt. I really fancy walking amongst some trees, rather than down to and then around the city centre but we’ll see how it goes. I’ve got tomorrow off work so I’m not forced to do anything but will probably wind up getting some shopping.

What would be really cool would be a walk through dark, sheltered woodland, suddenly emerging from the trees to find myself on a windy headland looking out over a tear-swept bay. Ideally with my Lady beside me. Then a meal of hearty, home cooked food by an open fire in a tiny pub somewhere before walking back. Solitary drops of rain blowing in the wind, stopping to kiss under branches looming protectively over us.

Or sandcastles! I’d like to build sandcastles. I haven’t built sandcastles for years and years. I don’t think I’ve even set foot on a beach for longer than I care to remember. Crowded beaches in hot, sunny weather ain’t really my thing, as regular readers may be aware.

But she’s at work tomorrow and I’ll most likely find myself in a Tesco’s which is slightly more prosaic!

For whatever reason though, I can’t wait until the morning…

Guess what…?

I nearly went to a pub tonight. Shock horror!

No seriously. Myself and my Lady were invited out by a friend of ours who was going out to licensed premises with her team from work. Polly couldn’t make it but I had every intention of wandering down for a pint. It’s been well over a week since a drop has touched my lips.

I got as far as putting my boots and coat on and opening the front door. The rain was being hurled sideways down the street as the wind howled with insane glee. For some reason I couldn’t quite take this picture in. It’s not like it should have surprised me – the weather has been very wild here. I stood in the doorway for while prevaricating. And procrastinating. And probably a few other words beginning with “pr”. Then I turned around, took my coat off and put the kettle on. I must be getting old.

So I’ve had a night in with warm drinks and an internet connection that’s been surprisingly constant, given the prevailing weather conditions. Incidentally, something has just rattled against the back door. Either Marley’s ghost is early and lost or there’s hail about too. Lovely.

The day started with rain too. I was late up, having forgotten to set my alarm. What a dope! Luckily I woke with a start at 10 to 6, with plenty of time to walk down and catch a bus to be there before 7. Had it not been persistently raining I would have. Something inside me rebelled at the thought of the walk though and I bit the bullet and got a cab in. At least that way I had time for a coffee before I started.

I now have two days off, at least one of which ought to be spent catching up on the housework. “Ought to”. No really.

My main plan for tomorrow is to wake up early enough to enjoy lounging around in bed. Does that make even a tiny bit of sense? Not necessarily going back to sleep just stretching and snuggling and enjoying being warm and comfy. Sigh.

The effect of food

It’s not as late as last night but I’ve been out for a lovely meal with a beautiful lady tonight and am happy, fed and kinda drowsy. I don’t feel inclined to battle against the drowsiness nor to sit around in a, frankly, chilly lounge when I have a warm and cosy bed waiting for me.

So it’s goodnight, everybody. Catch you tomorrow.

Or maybe not

I feel kinda bad that I haven’t blogged tonight. It’s now got too late and I’m too tired for much.

In fact I’m too tired to try. Later dudes.

Rant. Expletives deleted.

So I get out of bed and step into a puddle. That suggests to me that rain is getting in.

I'd left some clean clothes out which had been dripped on so I had to have a quick rethink at 5.15 before going out into the rain to catch my ridiculously early bus.

And I came out without my ID badge which means I can't get into the building until someone else arrives to let me in. No sitting in the warm with a leisurely coffee for me this morning! Just hanging around outside getting wetter.

Growl

Drip

The house has sprung a leak from somewhere!

I don’t think it’s rain getting in. It’s dripping very slowly through the lounge ceiling but the bedroom floor above it seems dry as a bone, unless I’m missing something which isn’t impossible.

I’m hoping that it’s going to be fixed tomorrow but then I hoped it was going to be fixed today. Tomorrow is another day though, right? Perhaps Thursdays are better starred days for amateur Irish plumbers.

For tonight, that is all. Bed beckons. Goodnight everyone.

Changed

I feel better now. Getting paid monthly takes a little adjustment and it's Younger Daughter's birthday next Monday.

It took counting out some change and getting €55 changed into paper money but today I bought and posted a little something for her. I think it's something she'll enjoy and I have an idea for Christmas too!

Telephones

Wow. The meter at right tells me that I’ve hit 1500 visitors since Twirling went live. Can I take this opportunity to thank everyone who has dropped by. It’s rather humbling to know that people take time out of their busy days (and nights) to call in here and read my ramblings. It gives me great pleasure to note that visitor #1500 was browsing on the Meteor Mobile network from Ireland, via mobile phone. I know who that is. Hiya, Polly!!

So it’s Sunday. I don’t know what it is currently about this day of the week. I wasn’t terribly cheerful last Sunday and haven’t really been this one either. I’ve hardly left the house today but had no real, pressing reason to do so and if I don’t go out, I don’t wind up spending money. It’s been getting gradually greyer all day and finally started throwing it down with rain about tea-time, with the consequence that both my internet and my mobile phone signal died completely for a while. Thank God for radio.

I then spent about an hour to see if there was anyway for me to pick up a stream of BBC TV over here so I could watch Dr Who but sadly not. I can get most of the BBC radio channels, with the exception of a few live sporting events which are licensed for the UK only, but no TV at all. Not even past shows on the iplayer. Never mind.

I don’t plan on being up much longer. I shall take the laptop up to bed as, once I have the famed electric blanket turned on, it’s by far the warmest place in the house. There’ll I shall listen to online radio for a while, poke at Facebook and maybe have a page or two of a book.

Earlier this evening, I had the pleasure of speaking to my Younger Daughter on the telephone. I say “speaking to” rather than “speaking with” because, as long-time readers of my blog may know, she’s profoundly autistic and has no verbal communication at all. It’s a matter for debate how much she understands but she has no recognisable speech at all. She cooed and squeaked down the phone at me for a few minutes, while I spoke to her and then she ran off giggling. Sounds like my littlest girl is doing well. She’s got a birthday coming up soon and the carer I spoke to at her residential school said that she thought Y.D. would probably like a colourful cookbook for her birthday. She’s always loved flicking through the pages and tapping at pictures of food she recognises. I’ll see what I can find. I was also given an idea for a Christmas present. Apparently one of the other kids there has one of those yoga/exercise balls – the big ones, which Y.D has fallen in love with. I’ll look into how much they cost.

Okay then. I think I’ll start powering down the downstairs of the house and go somewhere my feet will be a little warmer. Sweet dreams, everyone.

In Brief

I had every intention of blogging tonight but I spent the largest part of the evening in the company of a delightful, beautiful lady and am far too blissed out to type anything other than how happy she makes me.

So for tonight, “I’m very happy” and goodnight!

Lullabye

So I’m back. It’s later than I intended and I’m in bed. Laptops are wonderful things!

Wow, I felt rough earlier, not to whine about it. The fresh air helped a little bit and I managed not to get too badly rained on. I now have all the makings required for a fire for whenever it gets cold early enough to light one. If it’s not worth it I shall probably just retire to bed.

I got my pretty picture framed this evening and also hung a curtain to hide a rather unsightly alcove in the bedroom. The plaster in the wall was a nightmare to drill into, to put up the curtain pole – I dread to think how old it might be.

I kind of think that I ought to have something to say as I’m blogging from bed at silly o’clock in the morning. I have no deep insights to share with you, I’m afraid. Yet again it’s late and I feel wide awake. I’m kind of peckish again, too. So much so that I’m probably going to curtail my ramblings here and go and get something to snack on.

I went for Bran Flakes. What I really fancied was a bacon sandwich but I’m buggered if I’m grilling bacon at this hour.

Luckily I’m not at work tomorrow. The way the shifts have fallen I don’t go back until Tuesday. Hopefully by then I’ll be feeling a little better disposed toward the firm than I do at the moment.

I’ve just noticed how quiet it is. I guess all the students have rolled back to their digs, there’s hardly any traffic going by and the night is dark, restless and blustery. Cold. Not far off a frost, I think. I can hear the wind, even though I haven’t opened the window yet. I guess I should renew my acquaintanceship with my pillow. Just relax and switch off for a few hours. See if I can’t drift away into the land of nod.

I’ve said an awful lot of nothing here, haven’t I? Sweet dreams, everyone. I’ll lay here and listen to the wind singing for a while…

Sunday afternoons

I’m usually more of a late-night blogger than early afternoon, so I hope this doesn’t surprise anyone too much.

It looks like a beautiful Autumn day out there and I’m cross that I’ve missed so much of it. Without wanting to whine, I’ve felt like crap all day so far though, and haven’t felt up to going out. There’s stuff that I need to get today so I’m going to have to bite the bullet, wrap up warm and do it. I’d love to have gone out just for a walk to enjoy the day, rather than being sat here but I think that I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. I’m at a little bit of a low ebb today – I think that being under the weather for well over a week is starting to take it’s toll. For God’s sake, I’m going to turn into a paracetamol tablet at this rate!

Anyhoo, my plan was to try and collect some wood to help start a fire, rather having to buy any. I might still see if there’s any laying around but unless I feel a lot better once I’m in the fresh air, I shan’t be making any specific trips to do so.

I’m sure that you all know what it’s like when you’re feeling poorly – everything tends to be half-empty rather than half-full and it’s easy to drift into melancholy when you’re alone.

*reaches for bootstraps* So I’m going to get ready and go out. I’m going to strictly limit what I spend, although I do want to buy a frame for the picture I was bought so I can put it up when I get back. One of the cool things about living in a city, even a relatively small one, is that there’s always a buzz going on somewhere. If I can feel a little vibrancy around me, it might shake me out of this torpor.

I’ll be back later and I’ll let you know.

Coal

I bought coal today. Yes the house has central heating but I only spend any real amount of time in the lounge and I have an electric blanket to warm the bed.

I haven’t had the pleasure of real fires since I was a young boy. As of the age of about seven I was considered responsible enough to build a fire and vividly remember doing so on Saturday mornings, waiting for the television to start. You have to remember that this was in the days that between midnight and about 9 o’clock all the television showed was white noise, unless you were lucky enough to catch the Test Card.

So tomorrow I’m going to buy firelighters and find some kindling. I don’t want to have to buy that too but any wood I can find is likely to be too wet to burn.

I have visions of being sat here of a cold evening with a fire blazing to warm my heart.

Of course, getting the coal home was a task. After yesterday’s exertions with a big, heavy box, today I found myself walking up a rather steep hill with a 20 kg sack of coal thrown over a shoulder. Oh, and a bag of shopping in one hand. I am getting too old for this kind of shit. I made it home before the rain started, though. Considering how wet and stormy the weather has been here today, I think I’ve been pretty lucky to have missed getting a soaking. I wasn’t out for long but I don’t think being drenched in particularly cold rain would have helped my physical condition.

I’m fairly convinced that I don’t have Swine Flu. I don’t feel consistently ill enough to have any kind of flu, although as Polly’s noticed as well, it comes in waves. One minute we can be feeling fine, the next minute there’s a wave of…well…weakness, as much as anything. Aches appear but then fade away after a while. My recollections of seasonal flu are of feeling like death warmed up all the time. And only just with the chill taken off, at that!

The last embers of the fire are settling slowly and gradually fading from a pulsating orange to a tired ashen-white, still with ghosts of flames playing about them. I think it’s nearly time for bed. I could, of course, take the laptop with me but I only get about an hour’s usage on the battery and I can’t be arsed to carry the power cable up as well. I may have a Sunday morning in bed online, maybe but we’ll see. For now it’s time to snuggle in the warmth with a book.

Sleep well, everyone. Keep the chills away.

Stream Of Consciousness

So have we had/do we have Swine Flu? With no underlying health conditions that it might affect, I guess it’s possible. If this is a head cold that myself and Polly have been trying to shake off then it’s a complete and utter doozy. “Ping, motherfucker” as a young fairy might have said. Better to get it out of the way, maybe. I don’t know. I haven’t felt particularly flu-like but I don’t remember ever having such a nasty, persistent cold ever before.

Isn’t it funny how just looking at a coal fire can make one feel warmer? And why have I never owned an electric blanket before?

Should I be worried that my short-term memory is so poor that I forget to even write a shopping list?

31kg is kind of an abstract figure until one tries to carry a box weighing that by a pair of thin plastic straps. Who can blame the Gard for being amused?

What made me happiest today? An outrageously priced snack lunch, an aviary, an unfinished game of Jenga in a summerhouse and the fact that a lad of 9 is so comfortable calling me by name.

I seem to bring out people’s inner hippie. I got called “man” today by one of the guys in the local corner shop.

I did the washing up tonight and promise to iron tomorrow. Maybe.

I’d like another glass of wine but don’t have any. Between you and me it’s been an awful long time since I had a joint. I mean years. In fact I’d like another glass of wine so much that it’s probably a good thing I can’t have one.

I fully understand that I’m never going to make a living as a singer but it won’t stop me singing at the drop of hat, nor dancing for that matter. Boogie chillun!!

I’m going to buy a television in the January sales (if they have such things in Ireland). As much for news and sport as anything else. I’m in no hurry - “I don’t need T.V. when I got T.Rex”!

I’m getting so OCD about formatting of electronic communication I’m now seriously considering going back over this to make it a bulleted list.

Life’s a gas.

I was bought a pretty picture by a pretty girl and must remember to buy a frame for it. See above for details of my memory.

I remember clearly January 16th this year and always will.

It’s later than I realised and I should probably try to sleep. Wide awake now, though. Thoughts cascading through my mind like copper coins in a “coin waterfall” at an arcade when I was young. For some reason, I remember going to the local corner shop when I was about 5 to buy 10 Woodbines for Mum. And that I could read and play chess before I started school and knocked over a jigsaw on my first day and cried. Jesus, nearly 40 years ago.

I heard a church bell today and instantly thought of my brother. That’ll never stop. In the same way the smell of engineering oil and sugar beet will always make me think of Dad. I can almost hear him laughing now, bless ‘im. Silly old fart. “Less of the ‘old’”, he’d say. Or Mum appearing unexpectedly at a gig I was at with my friends in a pub in town at the age of about 20, buying a round for all of us and asking the band to play “Smoke On The Water”. I’m going to have to tell you about my family one day.

Not now, though. Shall I tell you about listening to Radio Luxembourg (the mighty 208) under the bedclothes? Or about the number of times I’ve cried at weddings? Hopeless romantic. If you’ve read here before, you’ll already know that I like the rain and fog. How appropriate is it, then, that I find myself in a land that shows itself best in the mist, more in love than I ever hoped to be or dreamed that I would be?

Currently listening to “Love’s No friend Of Mine” by Rainbow. That ain’t so. Not anymore.

Sweet dreams, everyone.

Weather with you

I have guilt that several people around me, including the person most dear, appear to have stinking colds of their own. Granted this is the season for that sort of thing but it seems a bit of a coincidence.

There's a school of thought that it's better to get these things and get them out of the way. I'm not 100% sure that I'd subscribe to that but at least whatever it is, it isn't the 'flu.

It's turned remarkably chilly around here in the last couple of days. It was actually almost magical - the last day of October was mild, if a little damp. The first day of November was chilly with a biting wind which made it feel cold enough for snow. There hasn't been any snow, nor any sign of it, just plenty of bitter rain and that persistent lazy wind. So much so that I was moved to go out and buy a warmer coat!

Right, I go to check on someone. Tea or chocolate may be required. Maybe a hug. Maybe just a sympathetic, understanding ear.

Really love your peaches…

I’ve had a stinking cold over the last few days. Fingers crossed it’s not the Swine Flu (nor is it Man Flu!) and I appear to be over the worst of it.

I’m sure that there’s lots I should be saying here but I can’t bring any of it to my fevered mind. I’m a little distracted, you see. I’ve been thinking about an IOU – I just hate to owe people and I have a very important IOU to pay, hopefully very soon.