The Sunshine Of My Love

So it’s been the best part of a week again. I promise to try and update things here a little more regularly, okay?

I tend to try to downplay any talents I may have. This is clearly an unintelligent thing to do. As was once sung - “you must stir it and stump it and blow your own trumpet or trust me you haven’t a chance!”

Bearing this in mind, I’m prepared to admit that I like to think that I have a way with words. Far greater minds and talents than mine have likened the life of a man to the passing of a year. By any stretch of the imagination, I’m no longer a young man. To pick up the Year analogy and run with it as best I can for a while, I never expected, after the grey, stormy and miserable spring I had, to find my midsummer to be so balmy and delightful. Imagine one of those idealised summer evenings that we all remember from our childhood. Things are warm and still. There are flies buzzing lazily by – not annoyingly but charmingly, the light glinting from their armour. The slowly westering sun glints through trees, making the leaves glow with a magical, golden green, their edges like burnished gold. The summer has no harshness to it but rather a tranquil, benevolent warmth, seeping into my bones and my soul, chasing away any trace of lingering damp and banishing the last of the coldness of spring to a place that has no bearing on today. I could never have reached a point where I can close my eyes and bask in this heavenly glow without having endured the winds and gales. I wouldn’t appreciate the tender kiss of the sun’s rays if I hadn’t felt the sting of the frosts.

That’s actually a far cleverer play on words than you may realise!

To cut out the flowery phrases, I’m in my mid-forties and have never been happier. In fact, I’m so happy that an impartial observer may find it faintly nauseating. My humble, giggling apologies. Lighten up!!

Until the next time, which I promise won’t be so long…fare well.

Tonight

Some things give me a warm glow inside. Trees in the rain or in the evening sunshine. The wag of a dog’s tail. Cats purring. People who both display and appreciate manners. People who are humble about their talents. The beauty of music of all kinds. An unexpected pleasure. The happiness of those I love.

I’m sat here, shortly before bed, with a smile on my face. I had a very enjoyable walk earlier on and then a lovely evening, vicariously. Sometimes just knowing that good things are happening is enough.

I went out to the bin in my yard an hour or so ago. There was a break in clouds so I stood and looked at the stars for a while. Shimmering sequins in the gown of night. But not the prettiest sight I saw today.

It’s Monday morning already, by the clock. Isn’t it funny how time twists around us all? It’s tomorrow morning now, in a way, even though I still haven’t made today into yesterday. I go now to do so. Good night, everyone.

Streaming

…as in consciousness. Apologies if my uncensored musing offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities. Actually not. If I offend thee, don’t come back.

So. There’s places in this fine city where I can go and feel reasonably comfortable. They are the two “rock pubs” that I’ve found. The thing is, in that kind of establishment, one tends to find power drinkers, “recovering” drug addicts and a general ambience that’s too loud for conversation with people that one doesn’t know well and have an unfamiliar accent. I’ve discovered that it’s possible to feel at home and completely isolated at the same time.

 

“I feel as though I’m out in the cold..”

 

Next weekend I have a “Works Do” to look forward to. And I am looking forward to it. Although I’ve found places to hang out and listen to music I like, I am feeling shorn of “normal” conversation sometimes. The little pleasantries that one might exchange with people that one sees day to day. Maybe that’s why I’m actually enjoying going to work again. Seeing people with more than a modicum of intelligence, who aren’t completely out of their brains (what’s left of them), is kind of comforting. Even if the conversation is about issues at work, it is conversation rather than drunken rambling. God knows, it’d be far too easy to slip into that mode. I’ve done it before.

 

“Oh my God, look what the cat dragged in!”

 

I’m stronger than that now, though. I can shrug away the little voice that whispers in my ear to tell me that I’m not good enough or that I don’t deserve to be happy. I hope that I can share that strength with someone else. The me that sought solace from the slightest pain in the bubbles floating in a glass is long gone. That’s why I’m sat here at 11.45 on a Saturday night drinking tea, having spent the best part of an hour or so under a tree in the rain by a lake just thinking. Even if I regretted burning any bridges, which I don’t, I have to deal with life as it is. Yes, there will be hard times and bad days. That’s just the way life is. Ultimately, one chooses one’s path and then walks it. Everything we say or do has consequences. All anyone can do is to choose as wisely as they can and then face any repercussions.

 

“A heart full of sorrow makes a lonely tapestry”

 

Once, not that long ago, I was exhausted. Every day was too much for me. I came within an ace of doing what is commonly referred to as “something foolish”. I found, or rather, was shown, that I have the capability to go on and make things better than they were. I am not solely responsible for what happened in the past. All I can do is face the coming day and make the best of it that I can. I hope and pray (or would, if had the faith or the right) that I won’t face the future alone. I have found a light that I never dared to believe existed. If I can’t walk in that light every day for the rest of my life, it’s enough for me to know that such a light exists. Not everyone is so lucky. Some people spend their entire lives in the darkness. Not I.

 

“I need to give, I need to live.
For the world is slowly turning
And the lights of love are burning in my eyes.”

 

So even though this hasn’t been the most enjoyable night of my life, I’m going to bed with the hope that the morning will be better. Whatever anyone thinks, I deserve that hope as does everyone. This can be a grey and empty world sometimes. The weight of what has gone before can easily drag us away from the promise of a brighter tomorrow. I beg you all never to let yourselves be so jaded that your yesterdays colour what is to come. Sweet dreams, everyone.

Tomorrow?

Alright then, later today!

I’m acutely aware that it’s been ages since a proper post here. Put it down to the fact that I’ve been re-adjusting to being at work. The whole idea of having to be somewhere at a certain time and stay there until another certain time.

In the eight days training that I had there was a fair amount of information to be crammed into my head. Fortunately, the class was being given by the best trainer I’ve ever seen work so if I do screw up I can’t put it down to poor training! The trainer was, however, working under constraints which made their job very difficult. People doing the same job that I’m doing, for the same company but based in, say, the US, get far longer in training than we have. The pressures of business today, I suppose.

So I’ve had my first pay for nine years! How cool is that? I’m informed, by people who should know and I trust to be honest with me, that I’ve made a good start, even if the first two phone calls I took were nightmarish. I’ve got over the trauma and got on with the job, which I guess is what’s required.

In the time that I’ve been in Cork nearly  everyone has been friendly and welcoming. I’ve run across a couple of people who have made me feel less than welcome but I can live with that. Two in, what, nearly six weeks isn’t a bad ratio. I’m seeing more and more of the city when I’m not working and I’m very happy here.

There’s been one thing that’s proven surprisingly difficult. It’s knowing that a certain lady is far, far closer than she was when I lived in the UK. We’ve spent a lot of time together but in the quiet of the night or the still of the day, when she’s not here, I miss her an awful lot. The whole “pretending to be just friends” when we’re around others I can handle. The knowing looks, smiles and winks make it quite fun but sometimes, when we just can’t be together, I miss her terribly and I know that she feels the same. We’ll manage, though. We both knew, when I moved over here, that there would be times that we would have to be apart. The knowledge that I’m going to see her tomorrow, however briefly, and be able to kiss her, however fleetingly, makes it bearable.

I’ve walked some serious miles today. Even though it’s gone eleven at night and I have to be up (giggle) in the morning, I’m not tired. I may put a movie on, I think. Just let me make a cup of tea….

Promises

I haven’t forgotten you all. Tomorrow, Okay? I promise.

Back In The Saddle

So today was my first day at work for nearly 9 years. It went well. Very well. It was a little strange to be meeting people who knew my face and my name from a friend’s Facebook page but they were clearly amused by it, which allowed me to smile at what might have been an awkward situation.

It was a long day, certainly but that was more down to the early start insisted on by the agency I went through than the the actual training at work, which was interesting, for the most part and very well delivered.

I’m putting it down to not sleeping well last night, the stress of starting a job (a big, big deal for me, at my age!) and possibly walking home in the pouring rain but I got very emotional when I got back home. I don’t mind admitting to shedding a tear or two. It seemed the most important thing in the world to reassure someone of something that was completely unnecessary. The person in question knows precisely what my position is on the matter in question. I can only assume that it all came from the deep well of insecurity that I’ve built up over the years. It may even have been the last , bitter dregs of that well sputtering out like the flame on a noxious candle (he said, casually mixing his metaphors with a careless toss of his hair toward the gallery). I’ve certainly never felt so secure in my personal relationships and my life in general for…I was going to say 20 years but, to be perfectly honest, I don’t think that I’ve ever felt so secure and happy in personal relationships. In fact I know that I haven’t.

So tomorrow  get to go to work again. Is it very strange that I’m excited at the prospect?

As an aside…

I’ve had a lovely day today. I just an epiphany and realised why. Yes, the delightful company this afternoon and this evening helped. Yes, it was nice to pop into a bar where I got some gentle ribbing about the fact that I was introduced to them all as Jimmy Page, and then to chat about music with the landlord. These things are not the full reason I’m so happy.

For the last three weeks or so, I’ve not been treated like a fool or like a child who needs constant direction. I’ve spent as much time as possible with someone whom I love very much and who loves me for who I am, and doesn’t seek to correct me at every turn or become confrontational if we disagree. I am getting used to being allowed to be an equal partner in relationships and having my efforts appreciated rather than having the feeling that nothing I do is quite good enough. Rather than being steadily crushed I am being raised up and supported. The support I offer in return is graciously accepted and appreciated. I am being treated, and allowed to be a “grown-up” for the first time in years and I like it. That doesn’t imply any boredom or becoming tired and staid. Indeed, I’ve shared more silly jokes and giggles recently than I have for longer than I care to remember.

My leaving my old life almost certainly hurt people that I would never have wished to hurt. My staying there, however, would have perpetuated a twisted, distorted life and enforced the impression on a young mind that what was seen was normal. I seek no-one’s congratulations or approval on what was and will remain the hardest decision I have ever made in all my years. As with all things, one can only act according to conscience and then live with any consequences. It had to stop and should have stopped years ago. It was only in the last year or so that I was reminded that I had the strength to make it stop and by then there was only one way to do it.

I was at least part of the cause of the darkness back there. Hopefully by walking away from it, it will slowly dissipate and I will not be the only one that finds the light growing around them again. I am what I am and I’ve done what I’ve done. There is no going back. Every step I take is one more on the road to a happiness that I hope my daughters will appreciate and accept one day. If not, it’s not because of what I’ve done but because of the way I did things for so long and allowed at least one of them to assume that was the way of all things. I pray any God that hears me that she will forgive me, not for what I’ve done but for allowing things to go on as they did for so long.

Is it wrong of me to seek happiness? To turn my face into the fresh breeze that blows through my life and let it cleanse me? I think not. Every man has a point at which he says “no more” and I reached mine. My mind is clear for the first time in years, my heart is alive and my soul thrills at the thought of the future. There is one person in all creation whose good opinion I value and cherish – I have it and will do nothing to have it fade.

I have no further public comment to make on this issue,  even here. I move forward and hope that everyone can.