Words

So after two nights out in a row, I have no plans to leave the house now, before the morning when I go to work.

It's a little strange but I'm kind of lonely. I'm usually pretty content sat here with some music on, playing on Facebook when I'm not houseworking but tonight I've put a movie on for company.

It's probably being around people so much. It's a habit I could get into.

Of course, the above was written about four hours ago. I didn't go out and had two movies on, which is why it's taken me so long to write this.

In other news, there's a possibility I may be doing some freelance writing work, which would be very cool. And possibly a stepping stone to other writing work, who knows? That would be a dream...

And did you miss me, while you were looking for yourself out there?

Tempus

I can hear the rain rattling on the roof like a skeleton dancing a demented jig. I'm guessing that the wind is blowing "the other way", as I can't hear it against the window.

I can also hear raucous voices some way off, what sounds like next door running up and down their landing, and the clock ticking away to itself downstairs. I'd speed that one up, if I could.

I gave my word not to try to mess with passage of time and I'll stand by that. Sixty seconds will always go together to make up a minute, however long they take to roll by.  I'll relish the minutes and hours that pass by faster than a shadow, treasuring every breath that fills them. And I'll silently count away the morose, shuffling hours and days, watching with infinite patience the spectacle of the second hand dragging itself around and around.

I have seen the future and it is a wonderful place. Sometimes it seems so close. Other times, less so.

The Heart Of The Blog

*hack. cough. splutter*

Yeah, yeah. Just let me have a swig of the wine to wash that away.

I was looking back in the archives tonight. My first ever blog post was Halloween 2004. I never imagined what i might have started. I don't have a world-shattering blog and it's never going to be a source of financial income but I would be lost without it. First Solid Gone and now Twirling have given me somewhere where I could be more myself than anywhere else. My rules, my choice of topic.

A blog can be a lot of things, depending on the author. In it's most basic form it's just what it says on the tin - a web log, an online diary. The amount of anonymity you create around it is entirely up to you. I always found (and find!) it a delicate balancing act between making sure that people read it, if you want them to, and ensuring that those you don't want to don't read it.

Despite this, it can be a huge release, just having somewhere to pour things out, especially without directly burdening those that one loves. I can't imagine not having a blog, even if I'm not posting regularly at any given point. I remember blogging when I was at my lowest ebb, when it felt like it was my only escape. These days I tend to be so loved up that I almost feel obliged to provide free sick-buckets for my patient readers! The point is that I can say what I want, when I want.

I have a team night out to "look forward" to on Saturday. I rather doubt that I'll stay long but I'll pop along to be sociable. Who knows, I might even have a good time.

I have another early start in the morning. I might hope to sleep a little better than I did last night, when, for whatever reason, I couldn't get the brain to power down. Which is kind of ironic.

My arm is bothering me again. I noticed yesterday morning that I'd done something to it again. I have a heat-wrap that a lovely lady gave me, that I'll fit tomorrow once I get to work. If I try and do it before I go I'll only make a hash of it through rushing. 

And I just spotted a pack of biscuits...

Deep In The Night

...or at least early in the morning!

Just popped in to note that it's all in the choice of music. I had a shocking night and slept for maybe two and a half hours, tops. However, the right music on the iPod on the way in has given me a huge boost into the day.

Now, let's see how long it lasts...

Knot work

After the relative comfort and civility of not starting work until 9, I have to be at 7 in the morning again for the next three days for training. This means back getting up at an ungodly hour of the morning. To coin a phrase - Gah!

Today went reasonably well, considering my cold. I'll be honest and say that I felt very peculiar on occasions and the fact that our "floor" is a little uncomfortably warm at the best of times didn't really help. I'm not giving in to a fecking cold, though, so it can do its worst! I spent most of today more concerned with how someone else was getting on than with how my day was going, so that might have taken my mind off it.

I actually feel better at the moment than I have for most of the day. That's probably something to do with the fact that the most strenuous thing I've done in the last few hours has been to polish off the last of a tub of ice-cream. As much as I'd like to sit here listening to music and reading for a few hours, I guess I should try and get some sleep. I really need to win the lottery, you know. That reminds me - I was having a tidy up of some surface dross earlier and found two lottery tickets from a couple of months ago. They'll still be valid so I must remember to check them tomorrow. Yes, a few million quid would be nice but i think about €75,000 would do very nicely. It'd get two ships back on a very even keel and act as a stable springboard for the future.

Oh, how I love to mix metaphors! The English language is like a length of good rope - you can tie it up in some fantastic knots.

Poorly

I've had two days off sick and then a day off that was scheduled.

I don't mind telling you that I felt rotten for a couple of days with some kind of sickness bug and now appear to have a stinking cold. A cold is not reason enough to stay off, though, so it's back to work tomorrow. On a new shift, as well. Up until now my working days have been 7 - 3.45. We'll now rotate between that and 9 - 5.45 which at least means I don't have to get up at an obscene hour of the morning. I have decongestants and tissues - I'll be grand.

A certain lovely lady took very good care of me, including making sure I had DVDs to keep me amused. I gotta say, I thoroughly enjoyed Kung-Fu Panda but I wasn't that impressed with The Dark Knight. Maybe my tastes are changing as I get older. A lot of things change as the years go by but I've found something that will last forever.

I discovered something at work last week, or maybe the week before. I have loads of holiday to take before September. Some of it I hope to be able to spend with the aforementioned lovely lady. She's not going to be able spend every minute of my holidays with me though, which begs the question what to do with the rest of it. Living in a city with an airport, day-trips out of the country aren't impossible. Public transport means that day-trips within the country are possible. I wouldn't have a problem with doing either of these things by myself but for one thing. I still need to "settle my financial affairs" back in the UK. If I choose to spend weeks that I have as holiday just lounging around and enjoying not having to get up early, that will mean that I'm not spending money. If Polly is busy elsewhere then I have no-one to please but myself and the prospect of getting completely out of debt is very appealing.

And for tonight that is all. I have a bed that's far too big for one and a gap in my arms and heart tonight. Music and a book for an hour or so, I think. Or Facebook...

Subdued

It’s been a funny kind of day.

I was far too late to sleep last night and was in a complete daze when I got up. By the time I woke up enough to realise that I’d got to work, I was also awake enough to realise that I wasn’t in the happiest of moods. There was nothing specific I could pinpoint, I just wasn’t right. “Subdued” was the word I used at the time. I still don’t have a better word for it. It felt like the recollection of an upset which leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.

It’d faded by lunch-time and I was able to find a semblance of my usual self. As the evening has worn on, that same slightly bitter taste has been creeping around again. Like a sulky dog, it’s prowling around almost out of my eye-line but I know it’s there. I can probably sleep it off.

Although plans have changed today and are still in a state of fluidity, I have high hopes for an enjoyable weekend. Which, let’s face it, isn’t far away now.

Taste

I had a meal in Burger King tonight, in the company of a lovely lady. Class, eh? Don’t knock it. Once the word “cheeseburger” cropped up in conversation, it was always going to happen.

I must take issue with them on their desserts, though. Does anyone else think it’s just plain wrong to put Toffee Sauce on Strawberry Cheesecake ice-cream? On a Vanilla, with crumbled digestives – yes, but on a Strawberry Cheesecake? Oh, please!

I had a very peaceful afternoon after work, followed by a lovely evening. The expression “blissed out” springs immediately to mind.

I’d also like a new phone. Specifically, I’d like one of these, as this isn’t out over here yet. I am tied to my current phone for another 5 months though.

For now, sweet dreams.

St Valentine's

Words and Pictures

Blah!

I started a post here and then read it. Blah! Okay, so it’s not the most erudite self-criticism in the world but at least I’m prepared to hold my hands up to it when I’ve written something that’s crap.

Tomorrow is my Friday, if you get my drift. The last day of my working week. So Saturday = Friday. Good, I’m glad you’re coming with me on that. Working at the weekend has always had a different kind of “vibe” about it, no matter what job I’ve been doing. Remind me to talk about jobs one day.

So yes, vibes. Working weekends is a little like working night shifts. Everything seems subtly less formal, less pressurised. Of course, it isn’t at all. Any job will have similar demands whatever the day of the week, so maybe it’s just a state of mind. “It’s Saturday, so I really shouldn’t be working.” Something along those lines. I don’t know. I don’t even know where I’m going with this, so if you came with me I’m sorry.

I guess I’m getting tired. My eyes are feeling as dry as a desert wind. I’d like to see a desert one day. To watch the sun rising and colouring the world around me with kaleidoscope colours as it drags it’s sleepy way into the sky. There’s lots of beautiful places out there and I thank any God you like for the miracle of pictures so that I at least know that they’re there. Unless something extremely remarkable happens I’m going to see very few of them now. That’s not whining or feeling sorry for myself, it’s a calm acknowledgement of that which is. I’ve left a quiet yet indelible mark on a little corner of the world but I’m never going to look at my footprint in the Antarctic snow or watch the full moon rise from atop a Hawaiian volcano. It saddens me a little to know that, but the sadness is tempered by knowing that such things exist and that others have the pleasure of them. Some of these others are moved to words or to try to capture the images they see, and I thank them for that.

Don’t Stop Believing

I must stop listening to so much online radio. It uses up my monthly bandwidth allowance at rather too quick a rate. Oh my God! I knew I wanted to type the word “rate” then but do you think that I could remember the spelling? I was sat here with my fingers poised above the keyboard thinking “r-e-i-…no that’s wrong. w-r-a…no, no.” I know that I’m not a young man anymore but I had hopes that what little there is left of the brain might last a bit longer.

So let’s see if I can’t grind out one more blog post before the dementia takes hold completely. I’m in a strange frame tonight. I haven’t been able to settle to any of the things I’d usual do to fill the hours. I can’t get comfortable to sit anywhere, books are either too heavy to hold comfortably or the edges of the pages are too sharp, with one or two burning exceptions the songs on the radio haven’t been anywhere near where I’ve felt and I’m a little wary of having too many programmes open on the laptop at once. I started off with the iPod in it’s dock but kept having to get up to skip track, which was winding me up even more. iTunes it then, and hang the consequences. Let’s see if the laptop will outlast my mind.

I was thinking earlier on that I’d kind of like to see a movie but if it annoyed me I’d just get up and walk out tonight, which would be a waste of money. I went for a short walk just after dark. Late twilight almost, just with a faint lightness in the sky before night’s gown fell completely. It seemed that the world was full of people, birds and animals scurrying around, trying to bring their days to a close before the darkness grew too heavy. The water of The Lough looked cold and thick, viscous, syrupy. I think I’m ready for Spring to be here. It’s been a cold winter and I’d like to see some flowers and feel the lightness of the morning sunshine on my face.

It’s not coming soon, though. According to the BBC we’re back to degrees below zero here in Cork for the next few nights, which will at least ensure that I’m fully awake by the time I get to work.

As usual, in the couple of hours it’s taken me to put this together while I’ve been drifting around the house, I’ve managed to take the edge off my mood with some music. Properly applied, there’s very little in this world like music. Across any century or genre, nothing moves the heart and stirs the soul like music. It’s one of the things I never want to have to live without. So I’ve gone back and changed the title of this post. I’ll never stop believing.

King Meringue

I am determined not to lapse into negativity about the new Facebook layout. It may not be working perfectly at the moment but I'm sure that there is a team working on it right now. At least, there'd better be...

I've had a lovely day today, having spent the guts of it with the prettiest girl in the world. And on the subject of guts, having had a most palatable main course at lunch, we decided to check out the dessert menu. Like you would. What we didn't expect was the size of the portions...

...which this picture doesn't really make clear. It was a humungous plate of dessert! And when you bear in mind that this was just mine and Polly had something along the similar size!

So I'm back to work tomorrow. Tuesday to Saturday again, so it's a happy coincidence that my next day off is St Valentine's day.

"Back to work tomorrow" means an obscenely early start again, so I'm inclined to swap the washing over, have a quick supper (yep, still hungry - healthy appetite!) and turn in for the night. Sweet dreams everyone. Especially you. 5 sleeps!

Discharge Note

Okay, now that she’s back at home I can relax a little and look around at the rest of the world.

I’ve spent very little time in the house since Monday. Maybe popped in for a quick snack between work and the hospital and then a meal after visiting time and before bed. Someone has clearly been using the house, though, as the washing up has multiplied beyond belief. Do dirty dishes breed, does anyone know? I thought that the pixies came in and did housework not held riotous parties. Little bastards! I may have to blitz the house on Sunday, which is my next day off.

So as I’m working tomorrow I‘m going to miss the start of the 6 Nations rugby. I can probably catch the end of the Ireland game in the work canteen and may have to linger in the Airport hotel if they have England v. Wales on in their bar.

I met a rugby loving lady last night. Rather nerve-wracking, actually. You remember what it’s like meeting family of a loved one for the first time. Thankfully she was charming, delightful company, a trait that obviously runs in the family. She was also kind enough to give me a lift home from the hospital.

On the subject of the hospital, to close. When I was waiting for a good moment to leave I saw the effect that certain company has on certain people and didn’t like it one tiny, little bit.

Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

Good Help

Sorry I haven’t been about too much so far this week. It’s been a little fraught.

My two closest companions are currently together. The small, cuddly dinosaur that I spend most of my time in the house talking to is with the person who is more dear to me than the rest of the world, in hospital.

Without going into unnecessary detail, I’m rather of the opinion that an issue which arose before Christmas was never adequately dealt with and has resurfaced. I know that she’s in the best place and that the best that Ireland can offer are looking after her but it was something of a shock to both of us when she was admitted.

So forgive me if I’m a little distracted, okay?

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. The rest of creation may have to manage without me for a bit while I concentrate on what really matters to me.