For whatever reason there seem to be a lot of intimations of mortality around at the moment.
Life is a wonderful thing and I intend to spend many years of it with someone who’ll read this soon, who makes every moment of it sweeter than it would be without her. For that reason, amongst others, tonight I smoke my last cigarettes. This life is short enough as it is, I need to make sure that my last meal is a long, long time away.
Something unexpected happened to me on Saturday evening. I started to cry.
Not through sadness or loneliness or regret or anything like that. I’m actually hard pushed to put a single word on it.
There’s a park in the city centre called Bishop Lucey Park. It’s been done out as a winter wonderland, filled with lights and grottos, snow machines and people dressed as animals who shake hands and hug children. Santa is there too, of course.
I’d been working on Saturday. Working hard to hit targets and achieve stats. You know how it is. When I got off the bus in the city centre, on my way home, I found a craft fair and food stalls all along Grand Parade. I was delighted – it beat walking home to an empty house. I was browsing through the pretty things at the fair with the scents of burgers and the bustle of the crowds filling my senses when I spotted the lights in the park and thought I’d have a look.
My first thought was “wow, that’s nice” as I approached. The entrance to the park is a big arched gateway and as I walked under the arch and took in the full scene I just knew I wanted to take a picture to show Polly. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and felt a sudden tightening in my throat. My hands fell to my sides and I looked around me again. The air seemed filled with more than just dancing lights and fake snow swirling around frames in reindeer shapes. There was an almost palpable feeling of happiness. My face twisted and I felt tears filling my eyes. This made the lights sparkle even more and intensified the effect. I had to go and stand in a quiet corner of the park for a few minutes while I wept silent tears of wonder.
So what brought that on? Lack of sleep and a long day’s work? Maybe. I prefer to think that I walked slap bang into the Christmas spirit, way before I expected to, that it killed stone dead the last of the cold-hearted cynic within me and the tears were, maybe, of relief that such simple happiness could reach me. I wandered around the park like a man in a daze, with a smile playing around my lips. I shook hands with someone dressed as a giant chipmunk who had just hugged a little girl until she giggled. I tried to take some pictures with trembling hands, which I’ll try to load here too. They didn’t come out very well but that’s not the point. Something important happened to me on Saturday and I’m a better person for it.
So much so that I found myself back there tonight, enjoying the good vibes and the brief company of a very, very pretty lady and her children. And I bought a Christmas tree, more of which another night.
Two things of note happened today.
I did something very silly, which I have no intention of going into and later someone did the honour of trusting me with the truth.
I don’t propose to discuss that in detail either beyond saying that I don’t believe anyone has every valued me that highly before. I became quite emotional.
If you’ll pardon my being cryptic, that is all for tonight.
Over the years I suppose I've changed. Everybody does. I was painfully shy as a child, which probably caused me to over-compensate and to appear a bit of a spoiled brat at times.
One thing that hasn't changed in me is my compassion for others. However I might try to feign a world-weariness sometimes, I still worry about "people" in general. This way lies madness, if taken to extremes, so I've had to try to keep a lid on it and satisfy myself with the odd random act of kindness, supporting Greenpeace and trying not to be unpleasant to anyone, no matter how much I may dislike them or feel that they deserve it.
That's strangers, though. When someone close to me, whom I love and care about, is hurt or cross or upset then it's going to impact me. Not on the surface level where it affects my interactions with others or means I can't do my job. I mean deep down inside where the deepest and truest of emotions lay. The best way to describe it is "what touches you, touches me".
For someone I love, I'll take on the world, if they'll let me.
There’s nothing for warming you when you’re cold like tomato soup. I’m almost tempted to capitalise that. Tomato Soup. There.
I hadn’t been at secondary school long – I must have been in the first or second year. A sponsored walk was organised to raise funds, if I remember correctly, for a new mini-bus for the school. The route for us young ‘uns was along the bank of the River Great Ouse from Lynn to Stowbridge, which made a round trip of about 13 or 14 miles. The older students had the option of pressing on the Downham Market, if they wished, making a round trip of about 25.
I have no idea what time of year it was, except that it clearly wouldn’t have been February or anything like that. Even though this was the late ‘70s, there would have been some kind of objection to kids walking at that time of year. Whenever it was, predictably, it threw it down with rain. We weren’t obliged to all stick together as long as no-one was walking alone. I seem to remember being a group of 5 of 6 and we were a rather sorry looking lot by the time we trudged into a marquee by the river at Stowbridge. We were wet through and thoroughly cold. Staff members were serving hot soup. I have never to this day tasted anything as delicious as the two cups of soup I had that day.
Obviously that’s a little artistic licence going on there. Nevertheless the taste of that soup, on that cold wet day, having walked for miles has stayed with me over the years. I don’t believe that I will ever taste Tomato Soup without thinking of that day.
I have had an evening of searching for that which I cannot find. Sounds profound I know.
I’m not talking about about searching for love or truth or righteousness. I’m referring to my fruitless search for €6 in Tesco vouchers. I meant to take them to Tesco, to put toward some shopping on Monday. Yesterday. I would have sworn that they were in my wallet but apparently not. Tonight I have lifted things, moved things, rummaged through things, shuffled things and scattered things. For God’s sake, I don’t have that many things here!
The vouchers have clearly slipped through through an eddy in the time-space continuum and are probably wafting gently in the breeze in 6th century Mongolia, or some such place.
I have been remarkably restrained and have not sworn at all. Well, hardly at all. When I have resorted to foul language it’s not been because of the non-appearance of the damnable vouchers, it’s been if I knock my knee on something. I tripped down a curb this morning, while not looking where I was going. My own fault entirely. The knee has been a little sore all day but is now gradually stiffening up. I’m going to take it off to bed, to the warm and have a few pages of my book.
And tomorrow, I promise, I will do the ironing. I’ll have to – I’m running out of shirts!
I just deleted several paragraphs. What I’d written made it sound like I’m miserable and I’m really not. I’m fairly chirpy, actually. So let’s start again, shall we?
My littlest girl is 15 today. I rang the school and checked she was having a good time. They offered to bring her to the phone but she was in the middle of “having a good time” and I didn’t like to disturb her. Don’t the years go by fast? Sometimes.
I remember when I was 15. It was about that age when I decided that I could overcome being painfully shy by inventing a persona – presenting a mask to the world, if you will. Very few people ever realised this. It’s only very recently that I’ve been able to let him slip quietly away into rehab and take up the reins of my own life again. Like pushing a car downhill, he kind of ran away with me. There are still people who only know me by his name.
Anyhoo, here I am, taking slightly bigger steps every day. When I have a certain hand in mine those steps could be on clouds.
Okay that last sentence may have stepped over the line. If anyone feels nauseous now, I apologise.
Shower. Ovaltine (I know, I know). Bed. Sweet dreams everyone.
Before it gets too late and I get too tired, just a few words.
It’s seemed cold here today. The strong wind has obviously been a part of that. I’ve hardly left the house at all. I strolled over to the local shop and bought milk, marmalade and biscuits but the whole trip took no longer than 10 minutes.
I’m guessing that the fact I haven’t had a decent walk today is the reason that I’m a bit achy. I’ve pottered around the house, done a whole bunch of laundry and some housework but steadfastly ignored the ironing. I’m used to walking a fairly good distance every day and the fact that I haven’t today has been a bit of a shock to my system.
I’ve always enjoyed walking. It’s very rare that the weather would put me off and it wouldn’t have today if I’d really wanted to go. I don’t suppose a day away from it will hurt. I really fancy walking amongst some trees, rather than down to and then around the city centre but we’ll see how it goes. I’ve got tomorrow off work so I’m not forced to do anything but will probably wind up getting some shopping.
What would be really cool would be a walk through dark, sheltered woodland, suddenly emerging from the trees to find myself on a windy headland looking out over a tear-swept bay. Ideally with my Lady beside me. Then a meal of hearty, home cooked food by an open fire in a tiny pub somewhere before walking back. Solitary drops of rain blowing in the wind, stopping to kiss under branches looming protectively over us.
Or sandcastles! I’d like to build sandcastles. I haven’t built sandcastles for years and years. I don’t think I’ve even set foot on a beach for longer than I care to remember. Crowded beaches in hot, sunny weather ain’t really my thing, as regular readers may be aware.
But she’s at work tomorrow and I’ll most likely find myself in a Tesco’s which is slightly more prosaic!
For whatever reason though, I can’t wait until the morning…
I nearly went to a pub tonight. Shock horror!
No seriously. Myself and my Lady were invited out by a friend of ours who was going out to licensed premises with her team from work. Polly couldn’t make it but I had every intention of wandering down for a pint. It’s been well over a week since a drop has touched my lips.
I got as far as putting my boots and coat on and opening the front door. The rain was being hurled sideways down the street as the wind howled with insane glee. For some reason I couldn’t quite take this picture in. It’s not like it should have surprised me – the weather has been very wild here. I stood in the doorway for while prevaricating. And procrastinating. And probably a few other words beginning with “pr”. Then I turned around, took my coat off and put the kettle on. I must be getting old.
So I’ve had a night in with warm drinks and an internet connection that’s been surprisingly constant, given the prevailing weather conditions. Incidentally, something has just rattled against the back door. Either Marley’s ghost is early and lost or there’s hail about too. Lovely.
The day started with rain too. I was late up, having forgotten to set my alarm. What a dope! Luckily I woke with a start at 10 to 6, with plenty of time to walk down and catch a bus to be there before 7. Had it not been persistently raining I would have. Something inside me rebelled at the thought of the walk though and I bit the bullet and got a cab in. At least that way I had time for a coffee before I started.
I now have two days off, at least one of which ought to be spent catching up on the housework. “Ought to”. No really.
My main plan for tomorrow is to wake up early enough to enjoy lounging around in bed. Does that make even a tiny bit of sense? Not necessarily going back to sleep just stretching and snuggling and enjoying being warm and comfy. Sigh.
It’s not as late as last night but I’ve been out for a lovely meal with a beautiful lady tonight and am happy, fed and kinda drowsy. I don’t feel inclined to battle against the drowsiness nor to sit around in a, frankly, chilly lounge when I have a warm and cosy bed waiting for me.
So it’s goodnight, everybody. Catch you tomorrow.
I feel kinda bad that I haven’t blogged tonight. It’s now got too late and I’m too tired for much.
In fact I’m too tired to try. Later dudes.
So I get out of bed and step into a puddle. That suggests to me that rain is getting in.
I'd left some clean clothes out which had been dripped on so I had to have a quick rethink at 5.15 before going out into the rain to catch my ridiculously early bus.
And I came out without my ID badge which means I can't get into the building until someone else arrives to let me in. No sitting in the warm with a leisurely coffee for me this morning! Just hanging around outside getting wetter.
Growl
The house has sprung a leak from somewhere!
I don’t think it’s rain getting in. It’s dripping very slowly through the lounge ceiling but the bedroom floor above it seems dry as a bone, unless I’m missing something which isn’t impossible.
I’m hoping that it’s going to be fixed tomorrow but then I hoped it was going to be fixed today. Tomorrow is another day though, right? Perhaps Thursdays are better starred days for amateur Irish plumbers.
For tonight, that is all. Bed beckons. Goodnight everyone.
I feel better now. Getting paid monthly takes a little adjustment and it's Younger Daughter's birthday next Monday.
It took counting out some change and getting €55 changed into paper money but today I bought and posted a little something for her. I think it's something she'll enjoy and I have an idea for Christmas too!
Wow. The meter at right tells me that I’ve hit 1500 visitors since Twirling went live. Can I take this opportunity to thank everyone who has dropped by. It’s rather humbling to know that people take time out of their busy days (and nights) to call in here and read my ramblings. It gives me great pleasure to note that visitor #1500 was browsing on the Meteor Mobile network from Ireland, via mobile phone. I know who that is. Hiya, Polly!!
So it’s Sunday. I don’t know what it is currently about this day of the week. I wasn’t terribly cheerful last Sunday and haven’t really been this one either. I’ve hardly left the house today but had no real, pressing reason to do so and if I don’t go out, I don’t wind up spending money. It’s been getting gradually greyer all day and finally started throwing it down with rain about tea-time, with the consequence that both my internet and my mobile phone signal died completely for a while. Thank God for radio.
I then spent about an hour to see if there was anyway for me to pick up a stream of BBC TV over here so I could watch Dr Who but sadly not. I can get most of the BBC radio channels, with the exception of a few live sporting events which are licensed for the UK only, but no TV at all. Not even past shows on the iplayer. Never mind.
I don’t plan on being up much longer. I shall take the laptop up to bed as, once I have the famed electric blanket turned on, it’s by far the warmest place in the house. There’ll I shall listen to online radio for a while, poke at Facebook and maybe have a page or two of a book.
Earlier this evening, I had the pleasure of speaking to my Younger Daughter on the telephone. I say “speaking to” rather than “speaking with” because, as long-time readers of my blog may know, she’s profoundly autistic and has no verbal communication at all. It’s a matter for debate how much she understands but she has no recognisable speech at all. She cooed and squeaked down the phone at me for a few minutes, while I spoke to her and then she ran off giggling. Sounds like my littlest girl is doing well. She’s got a birthday coming up soon and the carer I spoke to at her residential school said that she thought Y.D. would probably like a colourful cookbook for her birthday. She’s always loved flicking through the pages and tapping at pictures of food she recognises. I’ll see what I can find. I was also given an idea for a Christmas present. Apparently one of the other kids there has one of those yoga/exercise balls – the big ones, which Y.D has fallen in love with. I’ll look into how much they cost.
Okay then. I think I’ll start powering down the downstairs of the house and go somewhere my feet will be a little warmer. Sweet dreams, everyone.
I had every intention of blogging tonight but I spent the largest part of the evening in the company of a delightful, beautiful lady and am far too blissed out to type anything other than how happy she makes me.
So for tonight, “I’m very happy” and goodnight!
So I’m back. It’s later than I intended and I’m in bed. Laptops are wonderful things!
Wow, I felt rough earlier, not to whine about it. The fresh air helped a little bit and I managed not to get too badly rained on. I now have all the makings required for a fire for whenever it gets cold early enough to light one. If it’s not worth it I shall probably just retire to bed.
I got my pretty picture framed this evening and also hung a curtain to hide a rather unsightly alcove in the bedroom. The plaster in the wall was a nightmare to drill into, to put up the curtain pole – I dread to think how old it might be.
I kind of think that I ought to have something to say as I’m blogging from bed at silly o’clock in the morning. I have no deep insights to share with you, I’m afraid. Yet again it’s late and I feel wide awake. I’m kind of peckish again, too. So much so that I’m probably going to curtail my ramblings here and go and get something to snack on.
I went for Bran Flakes. What I really fancied was a bacon sandwich but I’m buggered if I’m grilling bacon at this hour.
Luckily I’m not at work tomorrow. The way the shifts have fallen I don’t go back until Tuesday. Hopefully by then I’ll be feeling a little better disposed toward the firm than I do at the moment.
I’ve just noticed how quiet it is. I guess all the students have rolled back to their digs, there’s hardly any traffic going by and the night is dark, restless and blustery. Cold. Not far off a frost, I think. I can hear the wind, even though I haven’t opened the window yet. I guess I should renew my acquaintanceship with my pillow. Just relax and switch off for a few hours. See if I can’t drift away into the land of nod.
I’ve said an awful lot of nothing here, haven’t I? Sweet dreams, everyone. I’ll lay here and listen to the wind singing for a while…
I’m usually more of a late-night blogger than early afternoon, so I hope this doesn’t surprise anyone too much.
It looks like a beautiful Autumn day out there and I’m cross that I’ve missed so much of it. Without wanting to whine, I’ve felt like crap all day so far though, and haven’t felt up to going out. There’s stuff that I need to get today so I’m going to have to bite the bullet, wrap up warm and do it. I’d love to have gone out just for a walk to enjoy the day, rather than being sat here but I think that I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. I’m at a little bit of a low ebb today – I think that being under the weather for well over a week is starting to take it’s toll. For God’s sake, I’m going to turn into a paracetamol tablet at this rate!
Anyhoo, my plan was to try and collect some wood to help start a fire, rather having to buy any. I might still see if there’s any laying around but unless I feel a lot better once I’m in the fresh air, I shan’t be making any specific trips to do so.
I’m sure that you all know what it’s like when you’re feeling poorly – everything tends to be half-empty rather than half-full and it’s easy to drift into melancholy when you’re alone.
*reaches for bootstraps* So I’m going to get ready and go out. I’m going to strictly limit what I spend, although I do want to buy a frame for the picture I was bought so I can put it up when I get back. One of the cool things about living in a city, even a relatively small one, is that there’s always a buzz going on somewhere. If I can feel a little vibrancy around me, it might shake me out of this torpor.
I’ll be back later and I’ll let you know.
I bought coal today. Yes the house has central heating but I only spend any real amount of time in the lounge and I have an electric blanket to warm the bed.
I haven’t had the pleasure of real fires since I was a young boy. As of the age of about seven I was considered responsible enough to build a fire and vividly remember doing so on Saturday mornings, waiting for the television to start. You have to remember that this was in the days that between midnight and about 9 o’clock all the television showed was white noise, unless you were lucky enough to catch the Test Card.
So tomorrow I’m going to buy firelighters and find some kindling. I don’t want to have to buy that too but any wood I can find is likely to be too wet to burn.
I have visions of being sat here of a cold evening with a fire blazing to warm my heart.
Of course, getting the coal home was a task. After yesterday’s exertions with a big, heavy box, today I found myself walking up a rather steep hill with a 20 kg sack of coal thrown over a shoulder. Oh, and a bag of shopping in one hand. I am getting too old for this kind of shit. I made it home before the rain started, though. Considering how wet and stormy the weather has been here today, I think I’ve been pretty lucky to have missed getting a soaking. I wasn’t out for long but I don’t think being drenched in particularly cold rain would have helped my physical condition.
I’m fairly convinced that I don’t have Swine Flu. I don’t feel consistently ill enough to have any kind of flu, although as Polly’s noticed as well, it comes in waves. One minute we can be feeling fine, the next minute there’s a wave of…well…weakness, as much as anything. Aches appear but then fade away after a while. My recollections of seasonal flu are of feeling like death warmed up all the time. And only just with the chill taken off, at that!
The last embers of the fire are settling slowly and gradually fading from a pulsating orange to a tired ashen-white, still with ghosts of flames playing about them. I think it’s nearly time for bed. I could, of course, take the laptop with me but I only get about an hour’s usage on the battery and I can’t be arsed to carry the power cable up as well. I may have a Sunday morning in bed online, maybe but we’ll see. For now it’s time to snuggle in the warmth with a book.
Sleep well, everyone. Keep the chills away.
So have we had/do we have Swine Flu? With no underlying health conditions that it might affect, I guess it’s possible. If this is a head cold that myself and Polly have been trying to shake off then it’s a complete and utter doozy. “Ping, motherfucker” as a young fairy might have said. Better to get it out of the way, maybe. I don’t know. I haven’t felt particularly flu-like but I don’t remember ever having such a nasty, persistent cold ever before.
Isn’t it funny how just looking at a coal fire can make one feel warmer? And why have I never owned an electric blanket before?
Should I be worried that my short-term memory is so poor that I forget to even write a shopping list?
31kg is kind of an abstract figure until one tries to carry a box weighing that by a pair of thin plastic straps. Who can blame the Gard for being amused?
What made me happiest today? An outrageously priced snack lunch, an aviary, an unfinished game of Jenga in a summerhouse and the fact that a lad of 9 is so comfortable calling me by name.
I seem to bring out people’s inner hippie. I got called “man” today by one of the guys in the local corner shop.
I did the washing up tonight and promise to iron tomorrow. Maybe.
I’d like another glass of wine but don’t have any. Between you and me it’s been an awful long time since I had a joint. I mean years. In fact I’d like another glass of wine so much that it’s probably a good thing I can’t have one.
I fully understand that I’m never going to make a living as a singer but it won’t stop me singing at the drop of hat, nor dancing for that matter. Boogie chillun!!
I’m going to buy a television in the January sales (if they have such things in Ireland). As much for news and sport as anything else. I’m in no hurry - “I don’t need T.V. when I got T.Rex”!
I’m getting so OCD about formatting of electronic communication I’m now seriously considering going back over this to make it a bulleted list.
Life’s a gas.
I was bought a pretty picture by a pretty girl and must remember to buy a frame for it. See above for details of my memory.
I remember clearly January 16th this year and always will.
It’s later than I realised and I should probably try to sleep. Wide awake now, though. Thoughts cascading through my mind like copper coins in a “coin waterfall” at an arcade when I was young. For some reason, I remember going to the local corner shop when I was about 5 to buy 10 Woodbines for Mum. And that I could read and play chess before I started school and knocked over a jigsaw on my first day and cried. Jesus, nearly 40 years ago.
I heard a church bell today and instantly thought of my brother. That’ll never stop. In the same way the smell of engineering oil and sugar beet will always make me think of Dad. I can almost hear him laughing now, bless ‘im. Silly old fart. “Less of the ‘old’”, he’d say. Or Mum appearing unexpectedly at a gig I was at with my friends in a pub in town at the age of about 20, buying a round for all of us and asking the band to play “Smoke On The Water”. I’m going to have to tell you about my family one day.
Not now, though. Shall I tell you about listening to Radio Luxembourg (the mighty 208) under the bedclothes? Or about the number of times I’ve cried at weddings? Hopeless romantic. If you’ve read here before, you’ll already know that I like the rain and fog. How appropriate is it, then, that I find myself in a land that shows itself best in the mist, more in love than I ever hoped to be or dreamed that I would be?
Currently listening to “Love’s No friend Of Mine” by Rainbow. That ain’t so. Not anymore.
Sweet dreams, everyone.
I have guilt that several people around me, including the person most dear, appear to have stinking colds of their own. Granted this is the season for that sort of thing but it seems a bit of a coincidence.
There's a school of thought that it's better to get these things and get them out of the way. I'm not 100% sure that I'd subscribe to that but at least whatever it is, it isn't the 'flu.
It's turned remarkably chilly around here in the last couple of days. It was actually almost magical - the last day of October was mild, if a little damp. The first day of November was chilly with a biting wind which made it feel cold enough for snow. There hasn't been any snow, nor any sign of it, just plenty of bitter rain and that persistent lazy wind. So much so that I was moved to go out and buy a warmer coat!
Right, I go to check on someone. Tea or chocolate may be required. Maybe a hug. Maybe just a sympathetic, understanding ear.
I’ve had a stinking cold over the last few days. Fingers crossed it’s not the Swine Flu (nor is it Man Flu!) and I appear to be over the worst of it.
I’m sure that there’s lots I should be saying here but I can’t bring any of it to my fevered mind. I’m a little distracted, you see. I’ve been thinking about an IOU – I just hate to owe people and I have a very important IOU to pay, hopefully very soon.
