Don’t Stop Believing

Everybody should believe in something. I can’t help but regard Nihilism as one of the depressing philosophical tenets that I’ve ever heard of.

Having said that, there’ll be people who ask “So what do you believe in?” which I guess is a fair question.

Over my blogging life I’ve mentioned belief systems occasionally. I envy anyone who has a strong religious faith. Lives can be built on that kind of thing. Sadly lives can, and have been, destroyed on it too. I couldn't honestly call myself a religious man, even though I do have a spiritual side.

I guess I’m a mass of contradictions. I believe in the sanctity of all life but tend to support the death penalty and can’t ever imagine being a vegetarian. I believe that one should be as nice as one can possibly manage to everyone that one meets. If you really can’t stand someone then just keep out of their way or keep schtum!

There’s one thing above all else that I believe in – love. Call me an old hippie if you wish, or a hopeless romantic. God knows it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been called either of those things. I believe that in this big beautiful world there is someone for everyone. Some people, probably not all, have someone that they’re meant to be with. Someone that they were born to love and born to be with. And with all my heart I believe that I’ve found that person.

I also believe that my bloody shoulder hurts. Enough with the typing, already!

It’s very late but…

• I’m not as unhappy as I was in the last entry
• My arm hurts
• Time for sleeps.

Just a passing phase

Not even sure about posting this. The first five words are clearly bullshit or I wouldn’t have come back to the start to add this and seriously consider deleting the lot. Anyway…

I don’t mind telling you I was in foul mood when I got home this afternoon.

I’m not sure what happened. Work went reasonably well again, I think and I was happy enough when I came out of there. I went to arrange something for my Lady and I and then headed for the Airport to wait for my bus.

At some point between making the arrangements and getting on the bus, something almost crumbled. I turned my iPod on and gazed dully out of the window all the way into the city. It was cold and foggy when I got off the bus. Normally I like the fog, sensing the mysterious, almost ethereal quality it can bring. Today it just made me miserable. Every step up the hill I have to walk up was harder than the one before, my legs heavier.

I walked through the door at about 6 this evening, I think. A long day. I walked off a cold, foggy street into a cold, dark house. For a few minutes I wandered around it, not taking my coat off and leaving the music raging in my ears. I leaned against an ugly, veneered chipboard wall…thing and closed my eyes, feeling the prickle of tears behind them.

Nothing was different at the house from other days, I don’t know what happened or why. Let’s just put it down to a long day and not enough sleep. I’m usually fairly stoical (“very zen” I was told last week!) but this evening when I walked in it was too much. Thinking about it, the tears had been brewing for some time. Maybe it was only when I got in the safety of my home that I could let them go.

I didn’t make me feel any better, though. I sullenly made myself a coffee and trudged upstairs to heat the most easily heated room in the house. I may have dozed for a while before rousing myself to do what needed to be done – food, laundry, washing up, hoovering, you know the routine, I’m sure.

I’m still not right. I have this sour taste in my mouth and a feeling like I’m constantly on the verge of hiccoughing! Tomorrow, though, is another day, as a lady once said in the movies. I’ll be grand, as the locals say! Once the tumble drier has finished and I’ve remade the bed, I shall turn in and hope for better tomorrow. Waking up and reaching to pull myself up by my bootstraps is something I can do. It’s only just struck me that it was Sunday today and I that I have something of “a history” with Sundays recently.

Kindling Zen

I’ve spent most of this evening trawling the internet for a certain quote from a certain book. Oh, and Pepe Le Pew pictures. There’s a fundamental dichotomy at work, if I ever saw one.

I had something of an epiphany at work today. Those of the team who were taken on on temporary contracts finish at the end of the month. One of them has booked up holidays and finished already. It gave me a bit of a start, to be honest. There but for the grace of God etc.

Upwards of 20 years ago, I read Zen And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance. At the time I was working for Bespak and still trying to climb the slippery pole. The book had some very interesting musings on “Quality” (and I capitalise that word advisedly, in this context), a word which the author, Robert M. Pirsig, deems to be undefinable.

The quote I was looking for refers to Quality in the workplace. Not just doing a good job but the state of mind both required to do a good job and the state of mind induced by doing a good job. To horribly simplify it, the quote is about trying to find a way to enjoy whatever your job is, no matter how humdrum, at least in part. About finding the quiet satisfaction in a job well done and the way that can spread. I think I might have at least touched a little of that recently. No, I don’t enjoy the hours that I’m required to keep at the moment but I was out of the job market for a long time and one has to start somewhere. I been able to focus on what I’m doing for a living – not for the sake of a living but for the sake of what it is.

Does that make any kind of sense? I wish I could find the quote I want but the book, like a lot of my books, it’s back in the UK. I may have to pop in the library on Monday.

Rain Song

Naturally, the weather turns on me after blessing me with spring sunshine at lunch time yesterday and today we're back to rain - on my day off. And yes, I know that it rains a lot here but on my day off when I have shopping to do? Cut me just a little slack here.

So I've done nothing today. Productivity I have postponed until tomorrow. I've lazed around like a contented dog and spent the day just resting. I've spent a lot of time gazing out of the window at the rain. Rain is fascinating. I had the house in silence just listening to the rhythm of it on the roof and against the window. Hypnotic. The house has stayed proof against it today as well, which is probably why I can sit here now and wax slightly lyrical about it!

The rain has never bothered me the way it does some people. Regular readers will now that I'd far rather it was raining than blazing 30 degree sunshine! There's something about the rain - it has different moods. It can be whipped into a raging frenzy at the urging of the wind but if left to it's own devices can be calming and restful. Sometimes it feels like the heavens weeping, overflowing with pain and remorse for the woes of the world, at other times it's joyful, almost playful, refreshing and exhilarating.

I find myself in a country that, from my own observation and in the opinion of the Lady I came here for, tends to show it's best when not dazzled by the sunlight. Yes, places will look pretty in a spring morning - nearly anywhere will. The rich greens of Ireland are better experienced in a mist or a light drizzle though. Or at least with enough cloud cover that the sun isn't aggressive. Maybe that's one of the reasons I feel so at home here. The country and I aren't used to the sunshine and although we can cope with it for a little while we only really come out of ourselves when the yellow face has gone away.

Blogging this from my netbook, which I've been using for the last hour or so, while the laptop cools down. A job for tomorrow is to try and find a computer repair shop and see how much they'd charge me to look at it. Yes, it'll be money I can ill afford but if they can cure it's ills it'll cost me a lot less than driving the poor beast to it's death and then trying to replace it!

Airport Hill

My right shoulder hurts. Just thought I’d mention that. What an ice-breaker, eh?

It’s very late and it’s midweek. It’s very quiet. Very quiet. Even the local students and noisy neighbours have turned in for the night, I think.

I’m on the point of turning out the light myself. I shall pull the duvet up to my chin and snuggle down into cool pillows. I’m not sure why I felt the need to share that. I know that not everyone will be as warm and comfortable as I tonight, nor as contented. I can hear a car in the distance, the night air caressing the sound into a low purr like a happy cat.

I won’t be climbing Airport Hill tomorrow, not on foot, in a bus nor in a car. I have a day off work. Yet there’ll be a lot of me there, somehow. I’ve become as wrapped up in my current place of employment as ever I was in Bespak when I worked there. I may not end my working life where I am now, or, as I’m in my mid-forties I may not have the choice and may have to sweat it out to make some kind of a retirement possible.

I’m employed, though. Full-time and permanent, even though I’m currently only a junior member of staff. I have an income and one more place to belong.

Parts of me will be climbing Airport Hill tomorrow. Travelling in a car with a pretty lady will be my heart mind and soul, all of which she has in her keeping. There’s not a better place anywhere on this green earth nor in the heavens above it that I could stow them.

From the bedroom window I can see the lights on Airport Hill. The traffic snaking up and down. The garish glow of the streetlights. It looks so close. Many things look close tonight. Sleep not the least.

Not asleep

Something woke me with a start at 4 this morning and I didn’t go back to sleep. I stayed snuggled in the warmth before getting up in time to have a coffee before setting off for the bus whereas the mornings are usually a tearing hurry to get around and out of the house. Nice? I suppose but I’m kind of curious what it was that woke me.

The weather was fairly calm last night – one of those clear, still winter nights although not as cold as we have had. I wonder whether it was a dream; whether whatever my subconscious was up to was too fragile to hold for long. I certainly didn’t wake feeling anxious or distressed like I have after a bad dream. Thinking back on it now, I have no recollection of any dream but I remember being peaceful. I didn’t “jump awake” or startle at all. I was just very, very awake all of a sudden. Content and settled but wide awake. I would usually go back to sleep but didn’t this morning. Strange.

There have been plans afoot today for a little time away. Finances and circumstances dictate that it’s unlikely to be for more than a long weekend and it won’t be overseas at all, unless something out of the ordinary happens but it’ll be nice to be “away” together. To be able to relax in each other’s company without wondering who might be about to walk around the corner.

I think that’s it for this evening. My typing is even less accurate than usual, which is probably a symptom of barely recognised tiredness. I bid you all a restful night.

Monday, Monday

Maybe I should try blogging earlier in the evening. I don’t know what to type.

I have this strange compulsion to write at the moment. Not necessarily “write” with a pen or pencil. Typing will do. A compulsion to create with words. Hence the rush of blog entries, I guess. For the last couple of months I’ve been running at very nearly one a day.

Some of these have been mind-numbingly crap, I’ll hold my hands up to that one. others have been only a few lines. I think it’s a symptom, though. I think there’s something bubbling away just under the surface that’s only waiting a chance to get out. I don’t think these daily outpourings are serving to alleviate the pressure, it’s more like my trying to find a way to let it out. I don’t know.

It’s very late now. I’m going to draw a line under today before it seeps into tomorrow. I’ve founds parts of today quite difficult to cope with, so I’m hoping that Tuesday won’t turn it’s back on me.

Forever

Not my words, but too beautiful a song not to share somehow. If only I could find a way to get the music on here.

Forever…

Sleeping in, in case I miss you
Dreaming takes me right there to you
Quilt of silver golden thread
Your face is shining in my head
  
Waking up I see you slipping
Don't disappear, quench your thirst there
Ace of hearts, stolen diamond
Skylark singing, church bells chiming
  
The sudden sight of you is pleasing
It's only perfect things we're seeking
My heart's awake, my fear is sleeping
You are forever keeping
  
Forever, Forever
  
My mood is cracked, I start to tremble
Splintered tears to re-assemble
I'm not able to express it
But I'm sure that I will get it
  
Lazy is the sleepy summer
I melt myself and drip upon her
Now we're liquid mixed together
Oh we can last forever
  
Forever, forever
  
I am focusing my actions
Pressing on with this attraction
If arrows fly then I will catch them
  
Oh it's you forever good time 

The Kindlestick and the Fox

One of the rules I set myself when I started work again was that  wasn’t going to blog about it. At all, beyond mentioning that I’d started and I seem to recall once saying where.

This tends to pose a problem. I don’t do much else but go out to work at the moment, money being a little tight. I can live with that, though. Over my blogging life I’ve got used to “making shit up” or just waffling inanely. What amazes me is that people still come to read it. It can’t just be one or two of you making the counter click over like that. Thank you all.

The thing is, something quite amusing happened today and I’d love to mention it here. But I’m not going to, especially after recent events. Oh well.

First thing this morning I was walking from the airport, through the business park on my way into work. There’s an abundance of bunnies around the business park at all times of the day and night, and of the year too. They always bring a smile to my face and, for rabbits, they’re reasonably tolerant of people.

One morning some time ago I saw something kind of dog sized and shaped and was convinced that it was a fox. Far from impossible as there’s a lot of farm-land around. This morning I was left with no doubt at all as a fox trotted out of the darkness and stopped, looking at me. I stopped and looked back. Then said “hello”. It was no more than 10 feet away from me, about as far as from where I’m sitting to the wardrobe.

I figured that as soon as I acknowledged it’s presence at all it’d be off like a furry bullet from a gun but it didn’t seem that bothered. It glanced around, not nervously, then looked back at me.

“Good morning.” said I, remembering my manners. “May I have a photograph, please?”

As I didn’t get a reply in the negative, I fumbled in my pocket for my phone. The fox stood calmly watching me, brush straight out behind. In something of a dream I aimed the camera and pressed to focus. Maybe the light of the auto-focus wasn’t to the fox’s liking. It didn’t dart away into the early morning darkness, though. With a almost bored shake of the head, it quietly trotted into the shadows. The photo I took didn’t even show a brush fading into into the distance. Nothing but an early morning view of a bush with a building in the background.

This time though, I know I saw a fox.

Poorly

I've not felt well at all today. I woke up with a headache that is only now beginning to fade slightly, I've been nauseous, dizzy and just generally bleugh!It's felt like a raging hangover but I promise you not a drop has passed my lips for ages. Weeks, if I remember rightly.

I've also been looking at photographs from a year ago. There'll come a day when I can maybe post some of them here, but not yet.

It would have been nice to have felt a little better on my day off but these things can't be helped. Of more concern to me is the state of health of my laptop. I'm writing this on my small, pink netbook as the laptop is having serious issues tonight. I don't want to have to be trying to find money to get it looked at but there's only so much I can do with this little pink beauty. The trouble is that my laptop is my single biggest support, apart from Polly. It's a radio, a DVD player, my link to my friends in the outside world. It's been suggested that it's an issue with the fan, causing it to shut down to avoid overheating. I may have to pool opinions on a good computer repairer in Cork and see whether I can get a quote for having it looked at. Gah!

So I'm sat here with a packet of custard creams and a glass of juice, wondering how late I can get away with staying up so I've done something with my day rather than mope around. Not much longer probably. Sweet dreams everyone.

Can’t think of a title…

It’s been a pretty good couple of days. I’ve had the opportunity to listen to an awful lot of music and had a fairly relaxing time at work while getting a lot done.

Isn’t it nice when you meet people in the flesh for the first time and they’re as pleasant as you hope? There’ve been a crowd from a site that the company has in Europe over this week. Polly and I had the opportunity to go for a coffee with a young lady who I’d chatted with over the internet and very briefly over the phone. Charming girl. Even if she did make me jump like hell the first time we met!

The reason I’m thinking of the first time I’ve met people is that January 16th is a certain anniversary. A day when, stood in a hotel lobby, I turned around and saw my future.

It’s completely hurling it down with rain outside. The change in the last few days is startling. From snow, to serious frosts (including one rather hairy walk in the morning. The airport, where I get of the bus is about 10 minutes walk to/from work. It took me nearly half an hour one morning, due to black ice everywhere. I wondered at one point if I might have to sit down and wait for it to thaw – it was that hard to walk on!) to almost torrential rain and high winds. And the temperature has been up in double figures tonight. Outrageous.

I have a day off tomorrow. I have no plans, beyond a little food shopping. Roll on payday!

You won’t feel the steel…

…until it’s hanging out your back.

Labouring this point isn’t going to do anyone any good but…be careful what you put your name to online. Someone very, very dear to me has been betrayed by someone they thought they could trust and is now having an online posting used against them in their place of work.

It’s probably a good thing that I’m not 100% certain who it was. It’s definitely a good thing that I’m not 100% certain who it was. At the moment.

Relatively early

Before it gets too late tonight…

Firstly, there’s something that I intend not to address beyond the rather cryptic “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”. Play the game!

So okay, yes, snow. I got down into the city and the buses were running. All good there. My  lovely Lady braved the roads and made it work after what’s usually about a 40 minute drive, taking it easy, turned into a 2 hour one due to the weather. While the city is thawing the countryside out where she lives isn’t and is in the grip of freezing fog. Much as I’d like to see her tomorrow I’d be happier if she didn’t try it again until the roads have cleared a little.

My cash-flow problem should ease a little in the near future. I remembered that there’s another €50 in a savings accounts, that’ll go a long way to next payday and keep me online as well!

I get easily distracted by books, music, my mobile and snacking. It’s now late! Sweet dreams.

Coupla things…

Not much to say tonight. It’s cold and it snowed. I’m reliably informed (Facebook!) that there’s a thaw going on in the city centre.

This is what one might term a “double-edged sword”. Yes, if it thaws then I’ll be able to get in comfortably, as will Polly on her first day back. We kind of had visions of her becoming “stranded” in the city, “not being able” to get home and “having to stay over at a friend’s”. Ah well.

There’s something restful about snowfall. I went and wandered around in it for a while at break today. It seems to muffle a lot of sound and produce a feeling of stillness, unless it’s a complete blizzard, of course.

I wish I had some biscuits.

I wish I had some ice-cream too.

I have cramp in my foot and my pillow is calling. Goodnight everyone.

Hey Jude

There’s snow on the way apparently. I just got up and had a peer out of the window but no, it’s not here yet. There’s the very sharp frost that I’m kinda getting used to but no sign of the snow yet.

I know that most of the UK has has a swathe of snow and much of the northern part of Ireland has too, I hear. It’s coming. It could make for some fun and games getting to work. I have a walk of about 20 minutes (depending on how icy the pavements are) to get to the bus stop I need and then about a 20 minute ride to the business park. There’s been morning when very few of us have made it in. The roads around here have been so icy for so long that some of them are next to impassable. A few inches of snow on top of that is going to be great fun.

Of course, every cloud has a silver lining. Polly may just make it into work and then not be able to get home again, which would necessitate her staying in the city somewhere…

I had a Judie Tzuke night tonight, after buying an album of hers on iTunes with a voucher I was given at Christmas. Judie really should have been far more well-known in my humble opinion. A beautiful, distinctive voice and  a very varied output. Maybe that was the catch – she can’t really be pinned down to any particular genre and the music press do like to pigeonhole people, while we all know that the only thing that fits in a pigeonhole is a pigeon!

I’ve been searching the internet for a clip (video preferably but sound-only would do) of “Let Me Be The Pearl” which is one of my favourites of hers. As yet, I can’t find one. And it’s getting late. I have a craving for something sweet. My cupboard stocks are a little limited at the moment, so we’re either talking honey or cereal with sugar sprinkled on. Neither of these are compatible with a laptop computer!

Sé Mhí

Six months ago this happened…

and I walked into the arrivals lounge at Cork Airport.

Six months to the day since I first set foot in this little house. knowing that I’d be able to see Polly nearly every day.

Since that day I have a job, a few people I’d consider friends, my beard back again and a bunch of memories. Most of the memories are very good ones. I won’t lie to any of you, there have been dark times when I’ve been cold and lonely – not necessarily sat in the house, either. There are few lonelier places than a city where you don’t know anyone.

As I said, it’s been mostly good, though. A learning experience. Learning the differences between English and Irish culture, some fascinating snippets of colloquial language, learning about how Polly and I would make “us” work on a day-to-day basis and, more than anything else, learning about myself. Re-learning maybe. Unforgetting, even.

Throughout it all, there’s been a constant. Every single day I’ve felt the support of a very special lady. If she couldn’t be with me in person then she’s only been as far away as a phone or a computer. Everything that I’ve managed has been easier because of her. Never was a man so taken care of.

And as I have to get up in a very few hours, for tonight, that’s better be all. Sweet dreams.

Upstairs

It's got so cold over here that I've taken just trying to heat the one room. Downstairs has stone floors and tiles throughout which make it very chilly. The bedroom here is the warmest and best-lit room in the house so I've moved up here for the duration, only venturing down when necessary.

'Twas lovely to have company too, today. My darling girl popped round for a few hours. It was the first time we'd been together since before Christmas and it was so nice to see her and to catch up a little.

We always seem to have more to talk about than we can actually fit in the time we have so we're always left with a touch of "oh rats, I meant to say so-and-so". We have the rest of our lives to talk about whatever we want though and never have to worry about not saying things. Once you've found your forever, nevers don't matter.

I have something of an anniversary tomorrow, which I shall mention here. There's actually another anniversary 8 days after that, which I may well mention too.

For now, I have nothing really to say, I just had the urge to blog. Just checking in really. "Twirling" is important to me, not only as a source of news for my friends but as somewhere I can go to say whatever I want. If I'm feeling happy or sad or whatever, it's likely to be recorded here. And on that note, I'll bid you all a very goodnight.

Freeze

On January 1st the Irish Government passed into law the Defamation Act of which part is concerned with blasphemy.

“It defines blasphemy as publishing or uttering matter grossly abusive or insulting in relation to matters held sacred by any religion, thereby intentionally causing outrage among a substantial number of adherents of that religion, and intending by such publication to cause such outrage.”

and is punishable by a fine of up to €25,000. So watch this space!

Not that I’ve got €25,000, of course. I actually have the princely sum of –€65 to see me until the end of the month. So it’s off to the bank within the next couple of days to offer up my soul. Or, if they’d prefer, I could round up a few children for them.

So, it’s cold. In fact it’s seriously minus degrees at night and barely scraping above melting point during the day. This is a far from ideal situation when the plumbing of the house in which one is living has certain idiosyncrasies – like the feed pipe for the shower from the cold water tank running outside the house. See where I’m going with this? Luckily there’s a shower room at work. Must take towels tomorrow…

I haven’t quite managed to slip over on ice again. It’s come to the flailing of arms and blaspheming on more than one occasion but I’ve managed to stay upright. Fnarr!

And for now, I guess, that is all. Roll on Thursday.

Retrospective

2009? I left an old life to start a new one.

That kind of outweighs the rest. It was the year when  first took the hand of the woman I was born to love and when I discovered, against all expectations, that I was employable and could actually make a pretty good fist of it.

And when I realised if I was tired, I could go to bed!