As an aside…

I’ve had a lovely day today. I just an epiphany and realised why. Yes, the delightful company this afternoon and this evening helped. Yes, it was nice to pop into a bar where I got some gentle ribbing about the fact that I was introduced to them all as Jimmy Page, and then to chat about music with the landlord. These things are not the full reason I’m so happy.

For the last three weeks or so, I’ve not been treated like a fool or like a child who needs constant direction. I’ve spent as much time as possible with someone whom I love very much and who loves me for who I am, and doesn’t seek to correct me at every turn or become confrontational if we disagree. I am getting used to being allowed to be an equal partner in relationships and having my efforts appreciated rather than having the feeling that nothing I do is quite good enough. Rather than being steadily crushed I am being raised up and supported. The support I offer in return is graciously accepted and appreciated. I am being treated, and allowed to be a “grown-up” for the first time in years and I like it. That doesn’t imply any boredom or becoming tired and staid. Indeed, I’ve shared more silly jokes and giggles recently than I have for longer than I care to remember.

My leaving my old life almost certainly hurt people that I would never have wished to hurt. My staying there, however, would have perpetuated a twisted, distorted life and enforced the impression on a young mind that what was seen was normal. I seek no-one’s congratulations or approval on what was and will remain the hardest decision I have ever made in all my years. As with all things, one can only act according to conscience and then live with any consequences. It had to stop and should have stopped years ago. It was only in the last year or so that I was reminded that I had the strength to make it stop and by then there was only one way to do it.

I was at least part of the cause of the darkness back there. Hopefully by walking away from it, it will slowly dissipate and I will not be the only one that finds the light growing around them again. I am what I am and I’ve done what I’ve done. There is no going back. Every step I take is one more on the road to a happiness that I hope my daughters will appreciate and accept one day. If not, it’s not because of what I’ve done but because of the way I did things for so long and allowed at least one of them to assume that was the way of all things. I pray any God that hears me that she will forgive me, not for what I’ve done but for allowing things to go on as they did for so long.

Is it wrong of me to seek happiness? To turn my face into the fresh breeze that blows through my life and let it cleanse me? I think not. Every man has a point at which he says “no more” and I reached mine. My mind is clear for the first time in years, my heart is alive and my soul thrills at the thought of the future. There is one person in all creation whose good opinion I value and cherish – I have it and will do nothing to have it fade.

I have no further public comment to make on this issue,  even here. I move forward and hope that everyone can.