Across the desks

So yes, let’s talk about Stress Management at work.There are many tools to help one deal with work related stress. Sadly none of these quite prepare one for  suddenly being spoken to in a supposedly deserted corridor, late enough in the evening that one wouldn’t expect anyone to be around. Let’s just say that I now have a clearer idea of what the ceiling looks like close up.

People in lower echelons at work places are quite often fairly dismissive of those higher up in the food chain. “Cushy little office job” they might think.

Over the last 15 months or so I’ve had an insight into the way that some people in these “office jobs” work and the pressures that they’re put under.

Once one becomes a salaried employee then “the man” is at you all the time. Clocking in and clocking out may feel like a chain but in reality it is the key that unlocks the chain. You clock out and you’re done. If you’re a salaried employee then you have a series of goals set and you work the required number of hours to try to get those tasks done.

I have watched the effect that this has, sometimes, on someone I know. Early mornings and late nights in darkened meeting rooms, urgently tapping at her laptop, paddling frantically to stay still or even to keep afloat. So many plates spinning on sticks that that just trying to keep track of them all makes her dizzy, never mind the logistics of actually keeping them all spinning.

And yet she’s fantastic at her job. I’m objective enough to recognise someone with a real talent for the “art” involved in what she does. The “admin” part of the job may not be her strong suit but she’s plenty smart enough to deal with it, given a little support. “Support” for people in these kinds of positions isn’t all it could be sometimes, sadly.

Okay, I’m not to blog directly about work; I promised myself that so let’s veer away from the subject. There are lots of crows all around the city.I suppose that they’d creep some people out but they don’t bother me. I’m quite amused by them actually. They’re clearly very intelligent (for birds!) and will cock their heads to one side and fix you you with a very appraising expression. Unless you’ve had a sizeable crow sat about three feet away from you, weighing you up, you really don’t get what I mean. Especially if you have a bag of chips in one hand!

And the swans! There’s a lake called The Lough not far from where I live and I can honestly say that I’ve never seen so many swans together in one place before. I always figured that they were kind of solitary birds that would pair off and then have a defined territory that others weren’t welcome in. Not on The Lough. I’m sure that every pair has their own “turf” but there’s very little conflict that I’ve seen. Harmonious living!

How’s that for a key? Harmonious living. Balancing different aspects of one’s life can be a precarious thing. Work duties and loved ones, offering welcome support and being overpowering like a duvet that’s too heavy for the weather. There’s a tricky middle ground to walk and no-one is going to get it right all the time.

How deep was that lot? Seriously. Also the longest entry there’s been here for some time. All courtesy of a small, pink computer.

Good karma

The last post was written in the wee small hours of the morning, while I waited for the kettle to boil. Just to clarify, it is in no way a suggestion of “trouble in paradise”, okay? I am very, very happy. Like everyone, I have bad dreams, sometimes.

I had a busy Saturday. During the day a crowd of maybe 9 or 10 of us from work (and a couple of friends) did some decorating at the local residential unit of the Simon Community. From about 10 till 5 we painted and then cleaned up after ourselves. We did a good thing and had a few laffs too.

The evening saw a works outing to the Greyhound Track, which was new experience for me. We were late (rawr!) but not too late to have a couple of drinks and some fun. At least until my more glamorous half got her ear bent at length by a young lady struggling with the Training Process and with her personal circumstances.

Sunday morning was beautiful. Waking up with the sun streaming through the window and making someone’s hair shine like her eyes. The honesty and closeness that we share leaves me very moved, humbled and more than a little awe-struck. “Happy” I said earlier. Doesn’t even come close….

Dreaming…

It’s late afternoon and I’m running in a gathering storm. Not a beautiful, dramatic storm, come to freshen the air and cleanse the land but an evil, brooding storm, full of threat and menace.

I must climb the hill. The only shelter that there is is at the top of the hill. The first spatters of a cold, clinging rain lash against my face as the wind’s icy tendrils slip around me but I’m nearly at the top of the hill. Even though it’s now dusk, it doesn’t matter. I’m nearly at the top of the hill and there’s shelter there, under the tree.

No matter how fast I run through over the slippery grass the tree suddenly looks very distant. It can’t be far away surely. It seemed so close. I lower my head and run faster. Fast as I can, almost weeping with the effort and the fear of the storm.

Suddenly, simultaneously, a low rumble of thunder like a convulsion in the Earth shakes me to my soul and lightning flashes. By the corrupt, ghastly light of the storm I see the tree silhouetted. Not safe. Dark, gaunt, reaching toward me with branches as bare and dry as skeletal fingers, cracking and snapping with contempt and loathing……

End of my week

It’s been a funny week. That’s a good example right there. I know that it’s only Thursday but I worked on Sunday so it feels like Friday. Especially as I’m not at work again until Monday.

It’s been a week of long days with not much opportunity for “personal time”. There’s been the odd delicious moment or two but it’s been mainly a case of being supportive. And I don’t just mean my being supportive – I get at least as much as I give.

I need to finish the covering letter for my application but am too tired tonight. I’ll do it in the morning and have a bus ride out to work late tomorrow morning, hand the stuff in (after printing it off, of course!) and hang around to have lunch. Then it’s back to town for more words with my bank, shopping and housework. I’ve done very little housework in the last few days and need to blitz it again. Actually, I could do with an Au Pair, preferably one with nouse enough to buy sugar when it’s needed.

I had a few vivid images floating around in my brain today but try as I might I couldn’t get them to join together at all. I have them written down and we’ll see if they end up going anywhere.

So I’m off to bed and I don’t have to set my alarm for 5.45. I’ll still set it, just not for that early. Good night all!

Monday

I’m almost deliriously happy tonight. I’m still sat here by myself with either the radio or some music on and with rather chilly feet on the lounge floor tiles but I’m happy. It’s kind of giddy, floaty happiness. The laundry can’t dent it, neither can the washing up (because I’m not doing it tonight – ha!) or the thought of an early start in the morning. Sigh.

So what else. I have an application form for a different job but still at the same place that I need to fill in. The major advantage of this would be that’s a permanent post, employed directly through The Company, rather than a temp from an agency. I’ll keep you posted.

I suddenly have loads of plans for the house. The first of these to put into practice must be to contact the landlord and landlady about the “little jobs” that still haven’t been done since I moved in. That may be my job for tomorrow evening, actually, as it’s too late to start that sort of important thing now. Ideally, of course, I’d win the lottery…

Yawn. I had no particular plans to blog tonight but I’m too weary for chess and my book is upstairs, where I will be soon. I’m just passing the time while the washing machine finishes so I can swap the load over before I hit the hay. The spin cycle is too loud anyway.

So that’ll do for me. The end of my Monday. A day of a certain amount of frustration, growling and stress but with large amounts of cuddling, giggling and love to sweeten it all.

Happy dreams, everyone.

Sunday

It's a cloudy and overcast Sunday in Cork. Not cold and not as gloomy as it looks through the tinted windows of the building.

Considering I'm at work (on lunch break at the moment - which is why I'm typing this), today is going pretty well. It's quiet and fairly relaxed and kind of how a Sunday's overtime should be. I'm working steadily without knocking myself out and am happy with how things are going.

Three and a half hours to go....

Trust

Okay, very briefly because I’m tired.

The work night out was good fun. I met some people who were new to me and got to have a few laughs with the people who I’ve now known for nearly 3 months.

So what do you do when someone discovers a secret? It completely depends who it is. Some people will blab it everywhere instantly. Luckily, the person who discovered a secret tonight is the person who, out of all of the team, I would have trusted most with it. She’s a genuinely nice girl whose glee at her discovery was rooted in happiness about what she’d found not in any kind of maliciousness or “ooh I know something!”

No, I wouldn’t have told her but I have no worries at all about her spreading things. None at all.

Goodnight all. My pillow beckons.

Beneath My Wings

Life can be hard sometimes.

That’s not me whining, I don’t necessarily mean “life can be hard for me”. Life can be hard for everyone sometimes. You know the kind of thing – the balls that unexpectedly bounce off a good length and get right through your defences. You’re rushing across a city to make a flight and when you try to buy a ticket for your next connection you find that your credit card is declined. You get home after too-fecking-many hours at work and it’s not until you take your boots off that someone casually mentions that there’s no food in the house and could you possibly put your boots back on and buy some.

Sometimes you’re at your best when these things happen. The ball hits you and stings but you can smile back at the bowler and he knows that you’re not rattled at all. Other times the impact brings tears to your eyes and knocks the wind from your sails completely. Am I allowed to mix cricketing and sailing metaphors? Pshaw! It’s my blog and I’ll do as I please. Mixing metaphors is one of my favourite hobbies. I digress.

What I’m trying to say is that bad stuff happens and sometimes it hurts more than other times. “Misfortunes come in threes” they say but there are times when the third one feels like it’s just the start of another series. At times like this what you need is someone who loves you. Be it a small child who’ll snuggle up to you on the sofa or some who’ll make themselves late back from tea-break to make you a cup of tea and buy you a Snickers bar, hold on to the ones that love you best when life treats you badly. Whether they’re sat next to you or not, when you’re feeling cold and small they’ll make you feel safe and warm.

On a lighter note, I have a full day tomorrow. The morning sees me sitting my Driving Theory Test, assuming I can find the test centre! I haven’t been so anxious since I did the Spreadsheets module in my ECDL. I’m not going to get horribly wound up about it, though. If I fail it, I’ll retake it. It’s not like I could go out and buy a car tomorrow and start driving it when I choose, anyway.

Tomorrow night sees a “Team Night Out” from work. A pub crawl basically. I have to confess to being not over-enthused at the prospect. There are people whom I wouldn’t choose to sit with in the works canteen who are going to be there. Still, I’ll approach it with as open a mind as I can, have a couple of pints and see where we go from there. If I’m enjoying myself, that’s grand. If I’m not I shall just slip away quietly. My days of doing things because other people expect it of me are long gone.

Right, my feet are getting cold now and as I don’t have a bunch of cushions to snuggle into on my sofa, I believe that my cuddly dinosaur and I shall head for bed with a good book.

Sweet dreams, everyone. Especially you and you know who you are.

Making a spectacle

So I have just over a week until my driving theory test. I’m reasonably confident but intend to keep working for it up to and including Friday night.

This, of course, brings into focus (groan!) the fact that my eyesight doesn’t appear to be what it was. The canteen at work has pool tables and one day a couple of weeks ago I walked in to find that someone had left some balls on the table. I used to be a fair pool player, although I haven’t picked up a cue for years. I thought I’d have a couple of quick pots and was horrified to find that the edges of the balls were a bit blurry. I guess it could be that I was tired but I fear that before I actually get behind the wheel of a car I may have to get my eyes tested.

I’m not sure how I’ll look in glasses, should it come to that. I’ll certainly need some assistance in choosing frames to suit me. I like the idea of contact lenses but can’t see myself being particularly comfortable about putting them in. One of my nervous tics is rubbing at my eyes, which definitely wouldn’t mesh well with contacts.

The thought of being able to drive at last is kinda exciting. It’ll open up a range of possibilities for me that I’ve never had before and take away my reliance on public transport or the goodwill of others for transport. And it’s a good time to be shopping for a car, apparently.

Oooh! Huge, jaw-cracking yawn. Right, I have to be up early to catch a bus so it’s bedtime for me.

Say nighty-night…..

Middle of the week

So after two days back at work after my lovely, long weekend, I get a day off. I’m not scheduled to be working Friday or Saturday this month but have to this week to cover the fact that I had Monday off.

Over the weekend we found some wonderful shops, saw some beautiful things, had some huge laughs, some very touching moments and ran into a couple of stressful situations. Such situations can be dealt with, providing one approaches them in the right frame of mind and we coped handsomely!

I’m actually learning to enjoy flying. I’m never going to be the biggest fan of take-off and landing but the bit in the middle is quite fun.

After being a non-smoker for the weekend, I lapsed (again!) on Monday morning having had something of a panic over getting back to Heathrow in time for my flight. I’m faintly disappointed in myself. I’m not really enjoying the smoking any more, it’s just something of a crutch. I think that it’s finally time to cast that crutch away for good and walk. I make no promises about tomorrow, as I still have some in the packet but as of Friday I shall be a non-smoker and intend to stay that way. Largely. On occasions I may fancy a smoke if I’m out and won’t necessarily deny myself but I’m kind of done with it as a habit.

So I’m off to bed and don’t have to get up at a quarter to six in the morning. Yay!

Good night, all. Sweet dreams. Especially you!

Room 17

So this is interesting.

I'm sat in a hotel in Kensington, London. With a funky little pink netbook at my disposal. I actually won it from my previous mobile provider before I moved out of the UK but haven't been anywhere with a wireless network to connect it to before now. I've downloaded and installed all the patches and updates that it wants me to and it's just about connected to the (slightly flaky) Wi-Fi at the hotel.

My Polly is sat at the dressing table catching up on a little work. It's a shame but I knew when we arranged this weekend away that she'd have to go online to get a little work done. That's cool. She's a busy lady and at least when she's done some work I can take her out to do something to take her mind off work for a while.

I had some rather disturbing news last night, which freaked me out somewhat but I have my head around it now. What can't be changed, must be endured, right?

It's a beautiful day in London and it promises to be a lovely evening in the company of a beautiful, if a slightly stressed lady, at the moment. It may actually be nearly lunchtime so now to see if I can copy and paste this lot into Blogger and get it to publish!

…but that’s not important right now!

This evening I had my first exposure to the wonders of the Cork International Airport Hotel. Fascinating place and far removed from the usual hotel decor.

It’s something akin to the bastard offspring of the set designer from Airplane and a psychotic surrealist.

Even though there’s no practical need to do so, I may have to spring for a night’s stay there in the near future, just because my head would enjoy it!

Saturday Night’s Alright

It’s typical isn’t it. I agree to work on a Sunday and on my way home, early, on a Saturday night, I get literally dragged into licensed premises (okay, it didn’t take a lot of doing) to find two guys with acoustic guitars playing some quality blues.

I could comfortably have stood there grooving until they locked the doors behind me but a sense of responsibility drove me back onto the road home. I could do with seriously letting my hair down. Not necessarily involving large amounts of alcohol but I feel the need to sing and dance. Co-incidentally I noticed another place in town has a Rolling Stones tribute on tomorrow night but wonderfully, I’m at work early on Monday.

I’ve enjoyed today in a kind of obscure way. Working out of one’s normal hours always has a different feel, unless one is salaried and expected to work all the hours God sends until the work is done. I bought a carry-on suitcase for a trip next weekend that I just can’t wait for, watched Ireland win at football in a pub that positively erupted when their (our!) winning goal went in and then just soaked up the vibe of a relaxed city on Saturday night, coupled with music and playing with friends on Facebook. I’m now back in my own little home and planning bedtime. Life is being as good to me, personally, as it ever has been. And I mean ever.

That’s not me wearing rose-tinted specs of any kind or disrespecting my old friends. Life has stresses and pitfalls and awkward fences. I guess I mean that I’ve never been more ready and able to cope with whatever life throws at me. I am more me than I’ve been for a long, long time.

The Sunshine Of My Love

So it’s been the best part of a week again. I promise to try and update things here a little more regularly, okay?

I tend to try to downplay any talents I may have. This is clearly an unintelligent thing to do. As was once sung - “you must stir it and stump it and blow your own trumpet or trust me you haven’t a chance!”

Bearing this in mind, I’m prepared to admit that I like to think that I have a way with words. Far greater minds and talents than mine have likened the life of a man to the passing of a year. By any stretch of the imagination, I’m no longer a young man. To pick up the Year analogy and run with it as best I can for a while, I never expected, after the grey, stormy and miserable spring I had, to find my midsummer to be so balmy and delightful. Imagine one of those idealised summer evenings that we all remember from our childhood. Things are warm and still. There are flies buzzing lazily by – not annoyingly but charmingly, the light glinting from their armour. The slowly westering sun glints through trees, making the leaves glow with a magical, golden green, their edges like burnished gold. The summer has no harshness to it but rather a tranquil, benevolent warmth, seeping into my bones and my soul, chasing away any trace of lingering damp and banishing the last of the coldness of spring to a place that has no bearing on today. I could never have reached a point where I can close my eyes and bask in this heavenly glow without having endured the winds and gales. I wouldn’t appreciate the tender kiss of the sun’s rays if I hadn’t felt the sting of the frosts.

That’s actually a far cleverer play on words than you may realise!

To cut out the flowery phrases, I’m in my mid-forties and have never been happier. In fact, I’m so happy that an impartial observer may find it faintly nauseating. My humble, giggling apologies. Lighten up!!

Until the next time, which I promise won’t be so long…fare well.

Tonight

Some things give me a warm glow inside. Trees in the rain or in the evening sunshine. The wag of a dog’s tail. Cats purring. People who both display and appreciate manners. People who are humble about their talents. The beauty of music of all kinds. An unexpected pleasure. The happiness of those I love.

I’m sat here, shortly before bed, with a smile on my face. I had a very enjoyable walk earlier on and then a lovely evening, vicariously. Sometimes just knowing that good things are happening is enough.

I went out to the bin in my yard an hour or so ago. There was a break in clouds so I stood and looked at the stars for a while. Shimmering sequins in the gown of night. But not the prettiest sight I saw today.

It’s Monday morning already, by the clock. Isn’t it funny how time twists around us all? It’s tomorrow morning now, in a way, even though I still haven’t made today into yesterday. I go now to do so. Good night, everyone.

Streaming

…as in consciousness. Apologies if my uncensored musing offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities. Actually not. If I offend thee, don’t come back.

So. There’s places in this fine city where I can go and feel reasonably comfortable. They are the two “rock pubs” that I’ve found. The thing is, in that kind of establishment, one tends to find power drinkers, “recovering” drug addicts and a general ambience that’s too loud for conversation with people that one doesn’t know well and have an unfamiliar accent. I’ve discovered that it’s possible to feel at home and completely isolated at the same time.

 

“I feel as though I’m out in the cold..”

 

Next weekend I have a “Works Do” to look forward to. And I am looking forward to it. Although I’ve found places to hang out and listen to music I like, I am feeling shorn of “normal” conversation sometimes. The little pleasantries that one might exchange with people that one sees day to day. Maybe that’s why I’m actually enjoying going to work again. Seeing people with more than a modicum of intelligence, who aren’t completely out of their brains (what’s left of them), is kind of comforting. Even if the conversation is about issues at work, it is conversation rather than drunken rambling. God knows, it’d be far too easy to slip into that mode. I’ve done it before.

 

“Oh my God, look what the cat dragged in!”

 

I’m stronger than that now, though. I can shrug away the little voice that whispers in my ear to tell me that I’m not good enough or that I don’t deserve to be happy. I hope that I can share that strength with someone else. The me that sought solace from the slightest pain in the bubbles floating in a glass is long gone. That’s why I’m sat here at 11.45 on a Saturday night drinking tea, having spent the best part of an hour or so under a tree in the rain by a lake just thinking. Even if I regretted burning any bridges, which I don’t, I have to deal with life as it is. Yes, there will be hard times and bad days. That’s just the way life is. Ultimately, one chooses one’s path and then walks it. Everything we say or do has consequences. All anyone can do is to choose as wisely as they can and then face any repercussions.

 

“A heart full of sorrow makes a lonely tapestry”

 

Once, not that long ago, I was exhausted. Every day was too much for me. I came within an ace of doing what is commonly referred to as “something foolish”. I found, or rather, was shown, that I have the capability to go on and make things better than they were. I am not solely responsible for what happened in the past. All I can do is face the coming day and make the best of it that I can. I hope and pray (or would, if had the faith or the right) that I won’t face the future alone. I have found a light that I never dared to believe existed. If I can’t walk in that light every day for the rest of my life, it’s enough for me to know that such a light exists. Not everyone is so lucky. Some people spend their entire lives in the darkness. Not I.

 

“I need to give, I need to live.
For the world is slowly turning
And the lights of love are burning in my eyes.”

 

So even though this hasn’t been the most enjoyable night of my life, I’m going to bed with the hope that the morning will be better. Whatever anyone thinks, I deserve that hope as does everyone. This can be a grey and empty world sometimes. The weight of what has gone before can easily drag us away from the promise of a brighter tomorrow. I beg you all never to let yourselves be so jaded that your yesterdays colour what is to come. Sweet dreams, everyone.

Tomorrow?

Alright then, later today!

I’m acutely aware that it’s been ages since a proper post here. Put it down to the fact that I’ve been re-adjusting to being at work. The whole idea of having to be somewhere at a certain time and stay there until another certain time.

In the eight days training that I had there was a fair amount of information to be crammed into my head. Fortunately, the class was being given by the best trainer I’ve ever seen work so if I do screw up I can’t put it down to poor training! The trainer was, however, working under constraints which made their job very difficult. People doing the same job that I’m doing, for the same company but based in, say, the US, get far longer in training than we have. The pressures of business today, I suppose.

So I’ve had my first pay for nine years! How cool is that? I’m informed, by people who should know and I trust to be honest with me, that I’ve made a good start, even if the first two phone calls I took were nightmarish. I’ve got over the trauma and got on with the job, which I guess is what’s required.

In the time that I’ve been in Cork nearly  everyone has been friendly and welcoming. I’ve run across a couple of people who have made me feel less than welcome but I can live with that. Two in, what, nearly six weeks isn’t a bad ratio. I’m seeing more and more of the city when I’m not working and I’m very happy here.

There’s been one thing that’s proven surprisingly difficult. It’s knowing that a certain lady is far, far closer than she was when I lived in the UK. We’ve spent a lot of time together but in the quiet of the night or the still of the day, when she’s not here, I miss her an awful lot. The whole “pretending to be just friends” when we’re around others I can handle. The knowing looks, smiles and winks make it quite fun but sometimes, when we just can’t be together, I miss her terribly and I know that she feels the same. We’ll manage, though. We both knew, when I moved over here, that there would be times that we would have to be apart. The knowledge that I’m going to see her tomorrow, however briefly, and be able to kiss her, however fleetingly, makes it bearable.

I’ve walked some serious miles today. Even though it’s gone eleven at night and I have to be up (giggle) in the morning, I’m not tired. I may put a movie on, I think. Just let me make a cup of tea….

Promises

I haven’t forgotten you all. Tomorrow, Okay? I promise.

Back In The Saddle

So today was my first day at work for nearly 9 years. It went well. Very well. It was a little strange to be meeting people who knew my face and my name from a friend’s Facebook page but they were clearly amused by it, which allowed me to smile at what might have been an awkward situation.

It was a long day, certainly but that was more down to the early start insisted on by the agency I went through than the the actual training at work, which was interesting, for the most part and very well delivered.

I’m putting it down to not sleeping well last night, the stress of starting a job (a big, big deal for me, at my age!) and possibly walking home in the pouring rain but I got very emotional when I got back home. I don’t mind admitting to shedding a tear or two. It seemed the most important thing in the world to reassure someone of something that was completely unnecessary. The person in question knows precisely what my position is on the matter in question. I can only assume that it all came from the deep well of insecurity that I’ve built up over the years. It may even have been the last , bitter dregs of that well sputtering out like the flame on a noxious candle (he said, casually mixing his metaphors with a careless toss of his hair toward the gallery). I’ve certainly never felt so secure in my personal relationships and my life in general for…I was going to say 20 years but, to be perfectly honest, I don’t think that I’ve ever felt so secure and happy in personal relationships. In fact I know that I haven’t.

So tomorrow  get to go to work again. Is it very strange that I’m excited at the prospect?

As an aside…

I’ve had a lovely day today. I just an epiphany and realised why. Yes, the delightful company this afternoon and this evening helped. Yes, it was nice to pop into a bar where I got some gentle ribbing about the fact that I was introduced to them all as Jimmy Page, and then to chat about music with the landlord. These things are not the full reason I’m so happy.

For the last three weeks or so, I’ve not been treated like a fool or like a child who needs constant direction. I’ve spent as much time as possible with someone whom I love very much and who loves me for who I am, and doesn’t seek to correct me at every turn or become confrontational if we disagree. I am getting used to being allowed to be an equal partner in relationships and having my efforts appreciated rather than having the feeling that nothing I do is quite good enough. Rather than being steadily crushed I am being raised up and supported. The support I offer in return is graciously accepted and appreciated. I am being treated, and allowed to be a “grown-up” for the first time in years and I like it. That doesn’t imply any boredom or becoming tired and staid. Indeed, I’ve shared more silly jokes and giggles recently than I have for longer than I care to remember.

My leaving my old life almost certainly hurt people that I would never have wished to hurt. My staying there, however, would have perpetuated a twisted, distorted life and enforced the impression on a young mind that what was seen was normal. I seek no-one’s congratulations or approval on what was and will remain the hardest decision I have ever made in all my years. As with all things, one can only act according to conscience and then live with any consequences. It had to stop and should have stopped years ago. It was only in the last year or so that I was reminded that I had the strength to make it stop and by then there was only one way to do it.

I was at least part of the cause of the darkness back there. Hopefully by walking away from it, it will slowly dissipate and I will not be the only one that finds the light growing around them again. I am what I am and I’ve done what I’ve done. There is no going back. Every step I take is one more on the road to a happiness that I hope my daughters will appreciate and accept one day. If not, it’s not because of what I’ve done but because of the way I did things for so long and allowed at least one of them to assume that was the way of all things. I pray any God that hears me that she will forgive me, not for what I’ve done but for allowing things to go on as they did for so long.

Is it wrong of me to seek happiness? To turn my face into the fresh breeze that blows through my life and let it cleanse me? I think not. Every man has a point at which he says “no more” and I reached mine. My mind is clear for the first time in years, my heart is alive and my soul thrills at the thought of the future. There is one person in all creation whose good opinion I value and cherish – I have it and will do nothing to have it fade.

I have no further public comment to make on this issue,  even here. I move forward and hope that everyone can.