Streaming

…as in consciousness. Apologies if my uncensored musing offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities. Actually not. If I offend thee, don’t come back.

So. There’s places in this fine city where I can go and feel reasonably comfortable. They are the two “rock pubs” that I’ve found. The thing is, in that kind of establishment, one tends to find power drinkers, “recovering” drug addicts and a general ambience that’s too loud for conversation with people that one doesn’t know well and have an unfamiliar accent. I’ve discovered that it’s possible to feel at home and completely isolated at the same time.

 

“I feel as though I’m out in the cold..”

 

Next weekend I have a “Works Do” to look forward to. And I am looking forward to it. Although I’ve found places to hang out and listen to music I like, I am feeling shorn of “normal” conversation sometimes. The little pleasantries that one might exchange with people that one sees day to day. Maybe that’s why I’m actually enjoying going to work again. Seeing people with more than a modicum of intelligence, who aren’t completely out of their brains (what’s left of them), is kind of comforting. Even if the conversation is about issues at work, it is conversation rather than drunken rambling. God knows, it’d be far too easy to slip into that mode. I’ve done it before.

 

“Oh my God, look what the cat dragged in!”

 

I’m stronger than that now, though. I can shrug away the little voice that whispers in my ear to tell me that I’m not good enough or that I don’t deserve to be happy. I hope that I can share that strength with someone else. The me that sought solace from the slightest pain in the bubbles floating in a glass is long gone. That’s why I’m sat here at 11.45 on a Saturday night drinking tea, having spent the best part of an hour or so under a tree in the rain by a lake just thinking. Even if I regretted burning any bridges, which I don’t, I have to deal with life as it is. Yes, there will be hard times and bad days. That’s just the way life is. Ultimately, one chooses one’s path and then walks it. Everything we say or do has consequences. All anyone can do is to choose as wisely as they can and then face any repercussions.

 

“A heart full of sorrow makes a lonely tapestry”

 

Once, not that long ago, I was exhausted. Every day was too much for me. I came within an ace of doing what is commonly referred to as “something foolish”. I found, or rather, was shown, that I have the capability to go on and make things better than they were. I am not solely responsible for what happened in the past. All I can do is face the coming day and make the best of it that I can. I hope and pray (or would, if had the faith or the right) that I won’t face the future alone. I have found a light that I never dared to believe existed. If I can’t walk in that light every day for the rest of my life, it’s enough for me to know that such a light exists. Not everyone is so lucky. Some people spend their entire lives in the darkness. Not I.

 

“I need to give, I need to live.
For the world is slowly turning
And the lights of love are burning in my eyes.”

 

So even though this hasn’t been the most enjoyable night of my life, I’m going to bed with the hope that the morning will be better. Whatever anyone thinks, I deserve that hope as does everyone. This can be a grey and empty world sometimes. The weight of what has gone before can easily drag us away from the promise of a brighter tomorrow. I beg you all never to let yourselves be so jaded that your yesterdays colour what is to come. Sweet dreams, everyone.