Well if the rest of my week's holiday is as enjoyable and relaxing as Monday I shall be a very contented dude.
I'm sat on my bed now with the soft light of an almost full moon drifting in through the window. There have been worse times in my life. It's a very mild night in Cork and kinda peaceful. Goodnight, everyone.
So it's suddenly got too hot. It's been building for a couple of days but I've spent them in an air-conditioned building. That's not always a good thing but it was on Thursday and Friday. Today there was nowhere to hide and I've been slowly melting. Even now at twenty past 1 in the morning I'm uncomfortably warm. At least it's an excuse, if I needed one, to be sat up listening to the "new" Rory Gallagher album Notes From San Francisco. Hugely impressive.
As you may have noticed, I haven't been here much recently. I'm very grateful that some of you have getting dropping by, just to see if anything's happening.
I've been in rather a strange head-space. It's far from clinical depression (I've seen that. I know what it looks like), more akin to what Keats called "horrid morbidity of temperament". My bubble of good humour has been very easily pricked and I've taken slights far more to heart than usual. I may just be in need of a break. If that's so, it's good that I have the week after next off work. Apart from one day of it, I have no specific plans. I'll just play it by ear, so to speak.
It's lights out time, I think. Whether I'll be able to settle, remains to be seen. I certainly won't need to snuggle under a duvet tonight!
It's been a Goddamned funny day. I woke up feeling convinced that something had happened while I was sleeping that I ought to know about. And I don't just mean that students had pushed next door's bin over or something like that. I was certain, from the second I opened my eyes that something of import had occurred. So much so that before my eyes were even properly clear I was scanning my usual news websites to find out what it was.
Nothing apparent. Yes, there's bloodshed in the Middle-East and financiers being charged with sex-crimes but I wouldn't expect either of these things to seep into my sub-conscious while I'm sleeping. I eventually got up, showered and went out for brunch with friends, still with something nagging at my mind. As an aside, can I say that the brunch was highly enjoyable - good food, good people and it could probably only have been improved if my Pretty Lady had been able to make it.
The people at the brunch know me as a fairly quiet guy so they may not even have noticed that I was a little preoccupied. I was able to push it one side for most of the time I was in company but after I'd kindly been given a lift home it flooded back. I couldn't settle in the house doing anything. I couldn't watch TV, listen to music, read or even attempt to do any work. I tried going for a walk in the hope that the wind in my face and spring flowers in my eyes might help but it was no good. The wind annoyed me and the flowers didn't seem to have their usual lustre.
So I've spent the evening doing what I usually do, but to the unexplained accompaniment of glasses sliding on the draining board, the wood of the bedroom floor feeling strange under my feet and something like an itch that I can't scratch worriting at me.
It's fine, though, Grand, even. It's nearly summertime and they do special discounts on travel to Crazy. It won't cost me an arm and a leg to lose my mind!
I'm very, very lucky. In the eyes of one glorious woman, I'm a remarkable man.
As far as the rest of creation is concerned, I'm wholly unremarkable. I'm just a man. I'm good at some things, not so good at others and downright crap at some.
I'm not bad with words occasionally. It often takes me time to think of the order that they should go in though, which is why I'm better with the written word than the spoken one. And I'm good at being alone. I can watch TV, listen to music, amuse myself, talk to to plants, soft toys and myself.
I'm not good at being lonely, though. It'll pass. I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will be all right again. It's not long until Monday and I might even see some friends over the weekend. But here, here and now, I'm lonely. I have a pillow to hug.
A very beautiful lady pointed out that I haven't blogged for an awful long time. I just checked and it was April 24th. Wow, time flies!
This hasn't been a conscious decision. There've been a couple of times since then when I've meant to post something but I've just never seemed to get around to it. I think I've been missing a bit of "zing" recently. If you'll pardon the cliché, my get up and go got up and went. And it's probably too late tonight to try to get it back.
But I'm getting back into the habit.
Ouch! I don't know what I've done but my shoulder is killing me. Not literally, of course, but it's bloody sore. I guess I've pulled something in it somehow. I'll live.
Whatever it is, it can't be down to overexertion as I've had a fairly lazy day. Ibuprofen tomorrow, je pense. Although I can't spend too long wandering around as I have some Work work to do. It doesn't bother me really - I have nothing much better to do and typing is likely to aggravate my shoulder less than ironing. That's my story, anyway!
So I'm going to settle down to sleep and try to aim some good vibes the way of my pains. I know that an aching shoulder is small potatoes compared to what some people have to deal with but like anyone else I tend to focus on my own ills more than those of others. My bad. So enough of the whinging, for tonight at least.
Last night I slept really well. I was asleep at what you might describe as A Sensible Time and slept through until my alarm went off.
So what's different about tonight, I wonder? I've got a busy day tomorrow and will probably end up working for a fair bit of the weekend, even if I don't go into the office. That's ok too - it's not like I have anything else planned. I could use a sustained run of sleeping well, though. And now of course, I'm a little concerned about being able to get a bus tomorrow. I'd forgotten it was Good Friday. Damn. I can't afford a cab so if there isn't a bus I guess I'm walking.
There must be a way to check on bus times using my mobile. That'll be something to focus my mind in the morning.
I hope it's not raining when I wake, assuming I eventually sleep. Usually I can get a lift but not tomorrow morning. I don't mind - there's a good reason for it and it's not an unpleasant walk. Kind of reminds me of when I first started working there and how far I've come in a little under two years. So that's a good thing right?
I'm sure I'm worrying needlessly. I remember that there are extra buses on Monday morning so I'm sure there'll be something tomorrow. Tiredness doesn't help the anxiety, I guess, so it's time to try to find the path to dreamland again.
My apologies to anyone who reads my Facebook status updates. Today was kind of a rollercoaster. By "today" I mean Wednesday, just to clarify as it's after midnight.
I guess that's what the updates are for but I feel a little guilty about dragging you into my dramas. I'm okay, really. It was just a day that started badly and took a while to get it back on track. I'm hoping that I've broken the back of it and that the next two days will be a touch easier on my head.
It's a very mild night in Cork tonight so I hope I'll be able to sleep. I got to spend some lovely time with my Pretty Lady earlier on and I'm hoping that's mellowed me out enough to settle properly. I'll set the sleep timer on my radio and drift of to a little music, I think. Sweet dreams, everyone. I hope you can all snuggle up with your loved one, or at least with the thought of them.
Jeez, I can't believe it's been 10 days! Don't the time fly, even when we're not throwing Alarm Clocks around.
The itching hasn't gone yet. It's moved, which I guess makes it more liveable with but it's getting mighty old, I don't mind telling you. If I could type with a pair of scratch-mitts on, I'd be wearing them 24/7 at the moment.
Today didn't help that. I don't know whether I may have subconsciously invoked it, or been psychologically unprepared for the start of the week but Monday morning hit me straight, smack, plumb between the eyes. Bastard. I reeled but didn't go down (no smutty jokes please!). I hung on for dear life and as the hours rolled on I started to work my way back into things a little. Next time I have to face a Monday I shall bite kick and pull hair.
Since we last spent any time in each other's company I've had a few days away in Scotland with my Pretty Lady. She was asked to go over and deliver some training there and I was able to get time off at short notice to travel with her. I worked from our hotel room while she was away during the day but we got to spend the evenings together, to travel together, to fall asleep and wake up together. I may even find a picture to add to the end of this post later.
Or I may not, depending on my mood.
Whether it's stress, that I'm "run down" or whether it's just because, I feel like a mass of irritations at the moment.
Not psychological ones, for the most part - I mean that I itch.
I got several good suggestions for ways to treat it from friends this evening, so I'll start to try some of those out. It is actually driving me crazy, and it's far from being an attractive look. Not even I can wear this one well!
I don't have much to say here tonight, especially given the hour. I just wanted to check in to let anyone who passes know that I'm still here, still standing. Not literally standing, of course. That would make the whole typing thing a little more difficult than it needs to be. And thank God I'm not employed for my typing skills, that's all I can say on the subject.
Okay then, the time is now tomorrow morning o'clock so I'm going to snuggle down into my pillow and go in search of sweet dreams. With any luck, gentle reader, the next time I write here, it'll be something that merits reading a little more.
Why are so many things positioned at head height?
I understand that it's the best height for some things, I really do, although I can't think of any at the moment. Mirrors, I suppose. Anyway. I'm talking about things that seem intended as booby traps. Like the overhead "racks" on coaches. They're not big enough to put anything other than a coat on, and the coaches that run out to the airport specifically ask you not to put bags on them. The bloody great things almost loom out into the aisles, though and yes, before you ask, I hit my head on one today.
That was less painful and less embarrassing than the first knock I took, though. The canteen at work has two sinks for employees to use to wash up their mugs etc. Over each is a plastic holder for a large "kitchen roll" type thing. And they're positioned at about head height. See where I'm going with this one? They don't have to be anywhere near reachable with one's head. If they were behind the sinks then it'd take a pretty serious effort to crack your forehead off one, rather than just being a little dopey first thing, chatting while reaching for roll and not really paying attention.
There's no need for it. I'm just sayin'...
I can be strong. I can listen while someone rants and vents. My shoulders are strong enough to bear the weight of other people's upset. Don't get me wrong though, I'm no saint and I'm no superman. Sometimes the most unexpected things bring tears sparking to my eyes.
Today my Pretty Lady and I went out for eats after work. We were just chatting and joking over our meal. I'd had trouble hearing her all the time we were there until the waitress put a new candle on our table. Suddenly I could hear. Astonishing. Polly smiled and told me it was because the candle was a "magic listening candle". I felt my face twist, just a little, and suddenly everything was blurred. It was just the right balance of magical, mystical, childlike (in a very good way) and funny that I could hardly believe it. Just one of the many, many reasons that I love her.
She's working from home for the rest of the week - a well-deserved break from the commute, anyway. I'll miss her loads until I see her on Friday evening but I'll cope.
So I'm back on the buses for the rest of the week. Not a problem. I'll need to be up and out of the house at an early hour but that's okay too.
I'm thoroughly enjoying my new phone. I was right to go for the HTC Desire. I'm slowly finding out more and more about what it's capable of. It really is like carrying a computer around in my pocket. My two latest discoveries are from the Android Market app store. First up, the perfect news reading application - World Newspapers, which is just what I've been looking for. More of a "toy" is the Google Sky Map app. You just point your phone at the sky, and it will shows the stars, planets,
constellations, and more to help you identify the celestial objects in view. Very cool.
Right then, as I need to be up in the morning, I'd better try to get some sleep. Sweet dreams, everyone. I hope that theres a light in all your lives, like there is in mine.
Surreality? Surrealness? Something like that anyway. All my sensibilities are still outraged at a young girl, fun of fun and laughter, with a four year-old daughter, lying dead in a wooden box. All the crosses and candles in the world won't bring her back to see her daughter off on her first day at school. So sad.
In the nearly two years I've been in Ireland, I've rarely felt as much a foreigner as I did today. My ignorance of Catholic services is clearly a gap in my education but the removal today felt very alien to me. More accurately, I felt very alien to it. Not knowing any of the responses due to the Priest, I kept a respectful silence. It's not for me to show disrespect to anyone's beliefs or traditions. And all the time that box is sat in front of all of us.
I guess that none of know what any day, any moment may bring. For myself, I'll do what I always do - I'll live as best I can by my own lights. I'll work as hard as I know how, I'll treat others as I'd like for them to treat me (unless doing so becomes the equivalent of banging my head on the proverbial brick wall, in which case I'll shrug and leave them to their own devices) and I'll follow my heart.
For many people the most important question that they are ever asked, and the question they spend their lives in answering, is "How would you like to be remembered?"
For me, there is an easy one-word answer. It's the one I gave when I was first asked the question and I've never wavered: fondly.
It's been a funny old week. I only worked for three days of it but seemed to fit an awful lot into those days. I'm still finding my feet in some aspects of the job and am maybe over-compensating a little and throwing myself at everything. I possibly need to step back and chill a little.
I'd booked Thursday and Friday off as holiday at short notice. I figured I've now been in Ireland long enough to celebrate St Patrick's Day with the locals, so strolled down to the parade in the city. It was a good vibe. Everyone seemed to be a happy mood so I wandered around for a while, fussed some random dogs, had a couple of pints and went home again.
My Lady was able to finish early on Friday and we went out for a late lunch and spent some time together. It was a little strange, to be honest. Friday lunchtime we'd received the shocking news that one of the girls at work had been killed in a car crash. I can't claim to have known the girl well but I liked her. The last time we spoke was on my birthday. Someone in her department had a birthday as well and they had cake, When she found it was my birthday too I got an e-mail from her inviting me down for a slice. She always had a smile and a joke for everyone. There'll be an Aoife-shaped hole in the building's heart from now on.
It's the first time that my Lady and I have dealt with a loss like this together. She was a huge support to me when my brother passed away in 2008 but that was hardly unexpected, this is different. So we've been learning the steps to the saddest of dances - the mourning, grieving dance. Learning to step lightly and thoughtfully, not hiding feelings and minding raw edges. It's not easy but we managed it.
On a lighter note, the moon is nearer to the earth than it's been for years, apparently. After several beautiful, clear, early spring nights in a row, I had hopes of being able to gaze at it for a while but the Irish weather has had other ideas. It's been raining most of the day and tonight the rain has brought along its good buddy Thick Fog for a visit. So no Moon bathing for me tonight!
It sounded kind of tasty. "Roasted Irish Beef Meatballs with Chilli, served with Steamed Rice", although the random capitalisation is all my own work.
The rice was good and the chilli sauce was very tasty. The problem entirely centred on the meatballs. Precisely what part of Irish cattle these things came from, I shudder to think. No please, don't say it. You'll make me gag again.
Things had started swimmingly. I was enjoying lunch and everyone around me who had gone for the same option seemed to be enjoying them too. I went to cut into another meatball and found something that resisted my knife. Strongly. Magnificently, I chose that exact moment to find that the meatball I was currently chewing had something of the same consistency about it.
So I'm sat in the middle of a crowded canteen and what I really want to do is spit the damned thing out. Clearly this wasn't going to happen. Making no further attempt at all to chew, I swallowed and then gulped down most of a bottle of Lucozade. I enjoyed the rest of the rice and even managed to smile at those around me and make a few ghastly attempts to join in the conversation. Whatever was in the half-meatball left on my plate, and in the one I'd bravely swallowed has been haunting me all afternoon though. I wouldn't go so far as to use the expression "waves of nausea" but there were certainly gentle ripples of it.
See now I'm typing it, it's happening again! I really, really need to stop thinking about the day the canteen served bollocks for lunch!
I'd been saying for some time that I wanted a plant for my desk but I never imagined that I'd end up with such a beautiful Bonsai. He's sat on my desk at work and I have named him Robert. Robert Plant - geddit??
I'm hoping that he's been okay over the weekend. I made sure that he was fed and watered but I feel kinda guilty about having left him there when we'd only just met. One of colleagues was in over the weekend and was given strict instructions to make sure he was okay, and to chat to him a little. So, first thing in the morning it'll be coffee for me and my pretty girl, water for Robert.
Nearly every morning this week I've been struck by how spring-like everything is. Trees breaking out in cherry-pink and apple-blossom white, just th smell of spring in the air. Then of course, I wake up today to find snow in the air. I know that it's not unheard of in March and that it was forecast but it still surprised me.
I seem to remember snow in June one year when I was still at primary school. I can't tell you exactly which year or even if it definitely happened. It's more of an impression that I have. It was, after all, a long time ago now.
And speaking of a long time ago, I know that Nicotine replacement patches say on the packs that they may interfere with sleep patterns (or something like that) but if I'd realised quite how much of a problem sleeping would become I may well have kept smoking! I'm now taking a herbal remedy (not that kind of herbal remedy!) to try to combat it. I can either get to sleep straight away and then wake during the night or have hell and all trouble settling before sleeping through. Quite frankly, it's a pain in the arse. I even downloaded an app to my new phone which will play "ambient" sounds - wind, rain, birdsong etc etc. Does it help? Hard to say but I'm about to try again.
I'm actually developing a headache so the time to turn off the computer has clearly come. Sweet dreams, everyone.
So I'm taking advantage of the free Wi-fi in the pub and checking out the Blogger application for my new phone.
How well it'll format we'll have to see. If I'm not happy with it there are third-party apps for Blogger or I could always use the browser and go straight to the home page and post from there.
Now, I need to get ready for Ireland v Wales.
I hope, at some point soon, to get to a point where I don't have to start each post with an apology for how it's been since the last one. Clearly that isn't going to be tonight. Sorry it's been so long, guys.
It's not like I haven't had stuff to blog about, I just haven't got around to it. When I've been sat here in the evening I've just been doing other stuff - reading, watching TV, listening to music and just playing on the internet. I just haven't been motivated to blog. No, "motivated" is the wrong word. I've sat here and thought "I want to blog."
I just haven't got around to it, somehow.
So what's been happening? I got around to getting myself a new phone. I now have one of these...
...which I'm very happy with, thank you for asking. It's a little big to comfortably fit in the pocket of a pair of tight jeans but we all have our cross to bear, right?
I could have gone on for a little longer but I seem to have dozed off in front of the computer and it's now 10 to 3 in the morning. This means I should probably shut down and get some proper sleep. I'll try to pick this up again tomorrow. Or later today. You know what I mean.
No, I haven't forgotten about it here.
I'm just too tired in the evenings to get anything sensible written here. I'm just about holding it together through the day but by the time I get home from work my powers of invention have deserted me completely. I mean, I'm just rambling now.
Not that I can sleep at the moment, of course. Oh no. So I listen to music and I read. Refilling myself with words, almost. Refuelling. Recharging.
