I never have nightmares. Especially not the kind that wake me up in the dead of night, dry-mouthed, heart racing and screams echoing in my head.
So there's no need for me to have turned on the light and to be sat here cuddling a small, fluffy dinosaur, jumping at every car that drives by, flinching at every gust of wind, with the bitterness of unshed tears cluching at my throat with fingers as dry as the grave.
Just sayin'.
Over the years I've grown pretty good at hiding things. Personal things. Like when I've had my feelings hurt. I guess being shy and sensitive (and if anyone laughs I'm leaving) can only be hidden so much.
One person knows very well when there's something wrong. That sentence should probably start "only one person...". I've got very good at bottling stuff up and keeping a "shiny side out". It's the little stuff that creeps through - rudeness in those I wouldn't think it of; thoughtlessness; cliques; people who are the life and soul of the party with most people but make no effort to diguise their disdain for others, without getting to know them.
Of course, a solution to this would be to stop my mind from churning over things again and again. I used to be able to stop it with sizeable amounts of alcohol and the like but I'm getting too old for that shit now. Anything more than about 4 pints is going to leave me fit for absolutely nothing the following morning.
We all have our little psychoses to carry, I guess. Somedays theyre heavier than others. And with sharp edges.
It' getting kinda late but it struck me that I hadn't been around for a few days.
It's still a little bit up in the air as my manager is on holiday until Thursday but let's just say that the "issue" at work appears to have been sorted out. I needed to nail it and I did. Cometh the hour, cometh the man and all that jazz!
Hopefully things will now start to mellow out a little bit and I can start to properly kick some ass. It's comin', you mothers. Watch me fly...
I don't really know what I'm doing blogging tonight. There's something that's weighing really heavily on me but I can't mention it here. The only form of self-censorship I impose is about work so lets just say that I might be looking for "other opportunities" soon.
In complete contrast, a certain lovely Lady is doing very well and will be representing her company abroad, for three weeks, in a rather exotic location. I'm so proud of her I may actually burst. Yes, I'll miss her horribly but it's a good thing for her career and I'm sure she'll have a fabulous time. She deserves it.
Closer to home, I just gave my head a terrific crack on an overhang above the stairs. I'm seeing a few stars here so I'm going to close my eyes and see if they go away.
I'm sat at work, waiting for my Lady. I've played on Facebook as much as I dare, considering it's strictly verboten and I'm kinda bored. I'm also feeling a little sick. This is about 50% being poorly and about 50% the day I've had. Ah well.
So I need to find a way to shake off these Friday blues and remember that I have the company of a beautiful, intelligent woman to look forward to and a day off work tomorrow. I'm not wasting any of this evening or tomorrow being miserable - Sunday will soon roll around and I'll have loads of time for that then.
There's a dead giveaway for when I'm under stress - my skin.
For the last three weeks I've been under threat at work. At the age of 44 if I get dismissed for failing to meet targets, for whatever reason, then things are not good. Notice the typical English flair for understatement there? I've ticked all the boxes for the last three weeks while my skin has got gradually drier, I've got steadily spottier and spent more and more time clawing at my hands and arms.
No more. I am better than that and I have plans. This shit ends.
Because I will have it so.
Wow, I felt ill last night! As you know, my usual blogging time is last thing at night but there was no way I was going to try to sit up and type last night. I was convinced for a while I was coming down with the 'Flu. I was alternately cold and hot, I was shivery, dizzy, nauseous, the works. This after having a sore throat all day.
After a reasonably good night's sleep, I feel a little better - if forced to quantify it I'd say I'm about 70%, which will do for a Sunday. I'm taking it fairly easy with the housework as I need to well enough for work tomorrow, so I may draw the line at laundry and washing up.
What I do have, which is making me feel a little better, is a new internet connection. Up until now I've been using a pay-as-you-go wireless dongle from 3. It's been...okay. Not terribly quick and little flaky sometimes. I hadn't had any experience of wireless dongles before and didn't know what to expect. When I was last paying my phone bill, one of the guys in the shop tried to sell a dongle on contract. It set me thinking. It'd be added to my monthly phone bill and has a bigger monthly allowance than 3 gave me. They'd give me 14 days to try it out so I thought I'd give it a shot.
I set it up last night and straight away it was quicker. So far so good. If it fails to please you'll hear about it, trust me. I haven't yet tested the speed by trying to stream any video but it handles online radio comfortably. Yay Meteor! Their phone service has it's little quirks but I'm happy with the internet they've sold me.
It was few minutes to 8 yesterday morning, I guess, that I thought I saw it. Even in my slightly bleary condition (overslept and had to beg a lift in) something like a four-foot high Cornetto wasn't going to escape my attention.
Me: "That was a four-foot high Cornetto outside the garage!"
Polly: "What?"
There's probably a formal medical term for those whose fevered imagination leads them to hallucinate giant ice-creams (or dream of industrial-sized slabs of pâté, but that's another story). Of course, this isn't the kind of thing one can keep to oneself. I had, shall we say "mixed" reactions to the revelation, ranging from the fervent hope that it was an hallucination because it would be cool to see ice-cream that wasn't really there (working too hard, that one) to people edging nervously in the general direction of away.
By the time the end of the day rolled around I'd almost forgotten about it. Until we stopped at the garage for petrol. Even then I didn't spot it again until we were pulling away...
Me: "There! Look! Cone! STOP THE CAR!!"
It's obscurely comforting to know that it was really there. Now if only I had a real one like that...
I don't know how well this will format as I'm posting from my phone.
I've a laptop and a netbook in the house and can't make either of them work.
I feel rather lost and a little lonely. Can't wait for the morning.
I had one full day off at the weekend but travelling into work on Monday morning I felt as though I'd had a week or so off. The end of last week and the weekend were so full, so enjoyable that it felt like a holiday.
It was entirely down to the company I was in and the frame of mind that the company always brings on. Now that things are back to what currently passes for normal I wanted to share a few pictures of Sunday with you all.
We drove to Killarney, in Kerry. It's a beautiful part of a beautiful country. The first time we stopped the car, I got out to see this...
We drove for a while and then stopped for lunch at Muckross House...
After lunch I was taken to Ladies View. I'd heard of this before but didn't expect it to be quite so lovely, even in the early spring with very little green about. It was the second-most beautiful thing I saw all day...
I can't wait to go back again later in the year when everything is green and lush, maybe with a light rain falling.
I honestly had the most wonderful time, in delightful company and the years fell away from me to the extent that I just had to go climbing in the rocks...
I'm a staying with a friend for a few days. It's a mutually beneficial arrangement - it saves them being alone in their house and I get lifts to and from work, plus the pleasure of their company in their lovely house. I may never want to go back home!
The internet isn't terribly reliable where they live, though. The house isn't in the middle of nowhere but there are certainly signposts to it in the nearest village. hence my doubt in the previous post about the frequency of blogging for the next few days and the fact that I'm typing this at work.
It's been a funny day - the ups and downs haven't been on a far steeper curve than usual, although I must hasten to add that I've remained fairly stoical in the face of all of them. I'm facing the imposters with a steady gaze and asking both of them "WTF?"
And it's nearly time to go...with some remarkably good news to close the day here!
Even though I have to be up at a quarter to five in the morning, I'm going to wait for the washing machine to finish. I can hear it on the spin cycle so it won't be long.
I wouldn't normally bother but there are some shirts that I want to put on to wash overnight so I can put them on to dry in the morning. Unless there's a last minute change of plans somewhere, I shall be away from the house for a few nights and will need a change or two of clothing.
There may or may not be blogging again before the weekend. There will be smiling and laughter, though.
It's very wild outside. Raining and extremely windy, if not cold. It's actually kind of nice laid here feeling proof against it all, even if it did wake me up. I don't think I'd been sleeping very heavily but as I'm up again I thought I pop in here as I've been a little remiss over the last few days.
Over the weekend I submitted the last two articles of my original comission of eight. Whether or not it'll go any further than that I don't know. I was notified to day of a short-story writing competition I may have ago at. 3000 words shouldn't be beyond me. It's just finding either something original or a sideways approach to something that's been done before. Hmmm...
What else? I spent Easter Monday in the company of the woman I love, which was very lovely. The whole day was a haze of lazing around and just enjoying each other's company. Magical.
This evening I've watched Transformers on TV, which was rather entertaining and then indulged myself with a couple of new purchases - re-issues of Heaven & Hell
And I suppose I should try to get back to sleep now.
First it's snowing then it's sunny. Then it's snowing and then it's sunny again. One may never be 100% certain what's coming next but it's always going to be exhilarating, exciting, beautiful and irresistible.
Allegory? Never heard of it.
Glad of the electric blanket again at the moment. The weather has taken a distinctly chilly turn again and I fear for the blossom on the trees and the young buds. Spring will come again though, as surely as the world turns.
I can hear a couple of birds braving the wind and the rain outside.
If I can hear the Dawn Chorus, however muted and sleepy it is, then it's probably past time that I was asleep. Thank God I'm not at work tomorrow!
I've run through just about every option I can think of as I can't sleep, bar getting up and doing the washing up. Or going to the 24 hour Tesco, I suppose. Firing up the laptop and blogging is a last desperate attempt to stay in or near bed and hope that I may drop off soon. My eyes feel like they've been wearing shoes that are too tight. Does that make any sense? Vair tired now...
I'm meant to be working on my next two articles. To be frank, it's not happening tonight. I've started three separate drafts on three different topics and I'm not terrible happy with the way any of them are. I think I'll leave them for tonight and try again tomorrow. They don't have to be long pieces but I need to be happy with them, for a start.
It's been a funny day of wild swings in many things. It was a beautiful morning - driving in with my pretty Lady in the spring sunshine, marvelling at how quickly the daffodils had come on; rain this afternoon - if I hadn't got a lift home as well I'd have got very, very wet.
In between the two extremes of the Irish spring weather I got more than a little growly about a situation at work. Swing. This afternoon we had what are laughingly termed "system issues" at work. I picked on an effect this was having and spread the word. "Nice catch, Greg" was the Site Director's comment. Yay me!
My bed was soft and inviting when I got home about 5 o'clock. I didn't sleep heavily but dozed for about an hour, listening to the rain on the window and the roof again. Swing. It's now getting late and I'm wide awake. Typical.
Having had a full cooked lunch at work (nom), I wasn't particularly hungry this evening and just snacked a bit for dinner. Now, of course, I'm ravenous and am going to have to have a midnight snack.
I'm prepared to admit that I'm glad it's payday. I have a little money in savings but it's pleasantly squirrelled away and I don't really want to be raiding it. Living with monthly pay is an art form and I'm going to have to fine-tune my judgement on things, I think. It will only need to be fine-tuning as this month has gone fairly smoothly, finance-wise. Long may it last.
My year's lease of this house is up on july 1st and I've started having a look at what's out there to rent. I'm not even sure that I'll be moving on but there's no harm in looking. This is a nice little pad with the most wonderful bedroom but there is only the one bedroom. I rather think I'd like to be getting a house-sized house, just to cover any and all eventualities. Apart from anything else, I've suggested to lots of friends from the UK that they should holiday in Cork and it'd be nice to be able to offer them hopsitality rather than recommend a hotel! Who knows what use I might have for a couple of spare rooms one day?
I'm fairly easily distracted. Most often by shiny.
Tonight it wasn't shiny, it was the sound of rain on the window and the wind outside. Some people might not get this at all but I think that there's such music in the rain.
It was enough to stop me in the midst of writing and to lull me into a doze. So blame the rain for there not being more here tonight!
It's been a few days since I've been here but I've been kinda busy and kinda battling a few odds. I had two more articles to finish before today. I lost one evening with the laptop playing up and then I lost a fair amount of writing time last night with my internet being down.
I got them done, though and submitted them on time. That's number 3 and number 4. That means 4 more to go and I already have an idea for 1 of them.
I'm laid here tonight listening to the wind howling outside and the rain pattering on the window. The walk to the bus in morning may be fun if this lot doesn't clear up. You wouldn't believe the difference from 12 hours ago. At eleven this morning (it's eleven at night as I type this sentence) I had walked into the city wearing sunglasses and smiling in the spring morning sunshine. I sat on a low wall drinking a cup of coffee waiting to meet my Lady and then went to the movies with her and her two youngest. Great fun. And then out for lunch afterwards. Lovely, lovely time.
I was reminiscing the other day. I can't remember what started it but a stream of memories came pouring out over the phone to my Polly. I have every intention of blogging them over the next few days. I'd have started tonight but I had such a magical day, I had to mention it. The sunshine, the clean smell of the river in the spring, the smiles, the laughter.
This was a good day.
I had a post already written for tonight - it's actually saved as a draft as I sit here.
Circumstances changed, however and it's no longer relevant. So instead...tonight I went out to a Table Quiz in aid of charity. I found myself in the company of the loveliest, most delightful lady in the world and a young girl a long way from home. We were runners up. The people I met were very friendly and for the most part I had a fantastic time and laughed so hard I almost gagged a couple of times. If the answer to any question, the next time I go to a quiz, is "beaver" it may well kill me.
I say "for the most part" as I did find it difficult on a couple of occasions to stop myself from doing what's become the most natural thing in the world and reaching out across the table to take her hand. If I called her "darlin'" a couple of times I don't think anyone noticed. The quote is something like "Nothing can for long hide love where it exists" but tonight I managed to keep a lid on it. Just about.
